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This site is optimised for use with the latest versions of Netscape and Microsoft Internet Explorer using 1048576x786432 resolution and 252 zillion colours.

To see this warning text perfectly, use Microsoft Internet Explorer. But be sure to use Netscape when examining the rest of the menu structure. The utilisation of a soldering iron and lots of brown sticky tape to use these applications simultaneously is recommended.

Please don't just sit here reading my homepage. Instead, leave it NOW by clicking on the links above to spend several hours downloading and installing these applications. Faliure to comply might subject you to a misplacement of some text by two or more pixels, which in my superior artistic vision is certainly not the way I want people to view this site.

For the full three dimensional effect with artificially intelligent interaction to let this website tie your shoelaces, you will need to acquire a hex editor and enter the value 0x5f4799a1 starting from the address 0x36f12, within the Microsoft Windows executable.

UNIX based systems and Mac users will not require such an adjustment. Instead, users should spin around seventeen times in a crowded room chanting the incantation "Bill Gates is not my mother." Note: If you don't believe what you're saying, it won't work.

The first seven and a half minutes of viewing zOgarthia will appear marginally better in a Mozilla or Opera browser, after which the strictness of Opera and Mozilla to exact HTML standards may cause key parts of your operating system to explode. If you were using Mozilla, you should at this point go to bugzilla and submit a bug report.

Finally, if you believe that teletubbies are a conspiracy of disguised bright purple aliens, you should be wearing heavily tinted UVB protection sunglasses to obtain the site's full effect.

Thank you in advance for your compliance.

This site is best viewed with a cup of coffee and ANY browser

i optimise for nobody. let the standards rule!
bwa ha ha ha ha!
be careful with the coffee, or you might spill it and that would be a shame
mmmmmmmmmmm.. coffee

who is me ? $


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all hail zog. we greet you with clean socks, oh mighty zog.