- "I guess I can live with a LITTLE Jerry if it will get me a LOT of Elaine."
(followed by salacious sound-effect)
- "Hello, Jerry"
- "I hear you've got a lipreader working for you."
- "Last one, wanna suck the pit?"(this occurs when Kramer regains his taste and wants a peach but to his astonishment the last one was purchased and devoured by none other than Newman)
- "he likes Beefereno!"
- "Ahh! Oh, the humanity!" (After his postal truck erupts in flames in the cab while driving down the freeway)
- "Jambalaya!!!" (Running out of the "Soup Nazi" store)
- "She wasn't my type!"
- "Yeah, you're nipple is showing."
- "where are the papayas?"
- "He shall get what he deserves!!" ( LAST EPISODE)
- "He was moving on her like storm troopers into Poland" ( Referring to Jerry and his girlfriend smooching during Schindler's List)
- (response to a Jerry remark): "Hillaaarious."
- "I was never big on creeds"
- "I know Jerry, I know"
- "Good night...Jerry"
- "The whole place will be swarming with postal workers, we'll have the mail being delivered by noon"
- "Three times a lady"
- "Once..Twice..Three times..OH THE HUMANITY"
- "Excellent (takes a puff of his cigar) Excellent"
- "I'm doing it for you."(telling Elaine he's getting a vasectomy for her)
- "Hawaii. The most sought after postal route of them all. Where the air so dewy sweet, you don't even have to lick the stamps."
- Newman: "Is this not your signature?"
Jerry: "No as a matter of fact it's not."
Newman: "Uncle Leo?(as he looks down at the form) This case is closed pending further evidence."
- Newman: (under a hot lamp-sweating) "It's sure hot under these lights, isn't it Seinfeld."
Jerry: "Actually I'm quite comfortable" (Jerry holds his Mug rootbeer)
Newman: "Can I have a sip?"
Jerry: "No." (casually)
- "Kramer-Butter-Kramer-Butter..."(Newman thinks about Kramer as being food)
- "Ooh, how I've longed for this moment, Seinfeld. When I get the proof I needed to haul you out of your cushy lair! And expose you to the light of justice as the monster that you are! A monster so vile-"
- Jerry: "Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce."
Newman: "I love broccoli. It's. . .good for you."
Jerry: "Than you wouldn't mind trying piece."
Newman: "Gladly." (Newman takes broccoli. Chews it, then spits it out) VILE WEED!!"
- "I find you extremely ugly....you emit a foul and unpleasant odour... I loathe you!"
- "Keith Hernandez?! I despise Keith Hernandez!"
- "I'm leaving...Jerry's a nut!"
- "somebody's got something on the griddle!"
- "its that damn alien autopsy thats grabbin' all the headlines"
- "I had a girlfriend, and she was pretty wild"
- "I don't work in the rain!"
- "son of sam, the most psychopathic mailman the postal service has ever produced"
- "It's raining" - (When George has the deal with Newman for the calzones and Newman is home)
- "Damn you Seinfeld!"
- Newman: "Who owns Bermuda?"
Kramer: "The english"
Newman: "Lucky Crouts!"
- Newman: "You know Jerry, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us."
Jerry: "I'm not the one doin the cookin."
Newman: "You useless postule."
- "Let me be perfectly blunt, costanza!"
- "Nice place you have here, Kramer--a man can really get some
thinking done" (emerging from bathroom, after Kramer and Jerry have switched
- Newman (to Jerry, when he want to cheat on Risk): "Ya wanna hang out?"
- Newman: "Jerry, I'm a little insulted."
Jerry: "You're not a little anything, Newman."
- "I just hope Tim Watley's electric bills don't suddenly get lost in the mail... or it could be LIGHTS OUT for him."
- Newman: "Hello, Mrs. Seinfeld."
Mrs. Seinfeld: "HELlo, NEWman."
- "You worthless pustule."
- Mrs. Seinfeld: "Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?"
Newman: "Yes, and a more disgusting spectacle I've never seen."
- (when Kramer wants to cancel his mail) "You don't know the half of what goes on here. Just walk away, Kramer, I beg of you."
- (Newman is led into the "interrogation" room with a bucket over his head) Kramer: "NEWMAN?"
Newman: "Tell the world my story."
- "Love is a spice with many tastes--a dizzying array of textures and moments."
- (Newman is talk show sidekick, running out of things to say) "Lately, though, I've been buying the generic brand of wax beans. You know, I rip off the label--I can hardly tell the difference."
- "GO, GIRL!!!"
- (about rickshaw scheme) "It's the romance of the hansom cab without the guilt or the dander."
- (to Kramer, pulling rickshaw) "Mind your pace, boy--chop, chop!"
- (when Kramer finds out he's a scofflaw) "Help me, Kramer, help me!!"
- "Ah, yes, forbidden love!"
- "'Pam'--I don't know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching."
- "And therein lies the tragedy..."
- "One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreadful, workaday lives..."
- "I won't allow your love to go unrequited--like mine."
- Newman is jumping in pool: "Olly, olly oxen free!"
- "Oh you weak, weak man!"
- Newman as "The Cleaner": "If I'm curt, I apologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here--and time is of the essence."
- "The man makes a pretty strong bird."
- "It's the wood that makes it good."
- Elaine wants the fur coat she threw out the window back; Newman says: "Sorry, climbers keepers!"
- Newman comes in Elaine's apartment: "This is very much as I imagined it to be--aside from this rattan piece, which seems oddly out of place."
- "Oh how I've waited for this moment--but alas, my heart belongs to another man's wife, and I've given the fur coat to her."
- Kramer: "Where'd you learn to climb trees like that?"
Newman: "The Pacific Northwest."
- "I've been evicted... I'm gonna be out in the street dancin' for nickels!"
- "For me, the next millenium must be--Jerry-free!"
- Newman and Kramer are arguing about who's going to have the millenium party; Newman says: "Cancel? Think again, Longshanks! I started planning this party in 1978."
- "One large jumbalaya, please!"
- "Jerry, Jerry--something's happened to the soup nazi--Elaine's down there makin' trouble... No more soup, Jerry--no more soup for any of us!!"
- "I can't eat fruit--it makes me incontinent."
- Newman (re Martin, the guy in a coma): "I'll bring him up to date."
Jerry: "HOW up to date?"
Newman: "ALL the way up."
- (re Drake's coffee cake) "Boy--that's the full size."
- "I don't care much for the beach--I freckle."
- "They did it right in this bed, Martin--right in front of you! It was disgusting!!"
- "June 14, 1987, Mets-Phillys..."
- "Then, a second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way from that day forward..."
- "You know why you can't park front first? It signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos! It reduces us to jungle law!"
- Jerry is delivering Newman's mail; he asks how to get envelopes that say "Photo--Do Not Bend" into mailboxes. Newman laughs: "DO NOT BEND--ahh hahaha! Just crease, crumple, cram--you'll do fine!"
- "I'll never get to Hawaii. I'll be stuck in this building forever. The dream has died."
- Newman is trying to convince Kramer to help him get out of a speeding ticket: "Well let me remind you of something--you wouldn't even BE here today if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I SAVED YOUR LIFE--you would be DEAD--DEAD--you would CEASE to exist--you would be GONE for the REST of eternity! Can you even BEGIN to comprehend what that means??!!"
- Newman is testifying in court: "I had gone up to Westchester. I go there every Tuesday--I do charity work for the blind in my spare time, for the Lighthouse. I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesee with an old blind man when I excused myself to call my friend, as he was very depressed lately, because he never became a banker."
Judge: "I don't understand."
Newman: "You see, it had been his lifelong dream to be a banker and just the day before he was turned down by another bank--I believe it was the Manufacturer's Hanover on Lexington & 40th Street..."
- "Yes, I admit I was speeding--but it was to save a man's life--a close friend, an innocent person, who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved, and to be a banker!"
- (Newman and Kramer are working on a reason for Kramer being suicidal--Newman's trying to get out of a speeding ticket) Kramer: "I was never able to become a banker."
Newman: "Banker--you're killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a BANKER have gone unfulfilled. You-you-you can't LIVE without being a banker!"
Kramer: "Yeah, yeah--if I can't be a banker, I don't want to live!"
Newman: "You MUST be a banker!"
Kramer: "MUST be a banker!"
Newman: "OK, we'll go with the banker story."
- Newman, to Jerry: "HiLARious!"
- "Quick... honey mustard!" (after eating a piece of brocolli)
- "Alright, alright you go ahead, you go ahead and keep it secret. But you remember this, when you control the mail, you control, INFORMATION."
- Hello Jerry. May I come in?
- You really think you can manipulate that beautiful woman like the half soussed night club rabble who lap up your inane "obeservations" (PAM Episode "Jokeboy")
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