Food supply, $18; Immunizations, $15; Barking annoys neighbors - council warning; 21 pot plants destroyed, $130; Due to lack of sleep, I push button A instead of B... $640,000 loss (theirs); Rips sheets off clothes line, chews up, $75; Neighbor's cat - apologies given; Sally trips over dog. Doctor, $83; Digs up phone line, job offers missed $800 (est.); Chew-proof lead, $14; Dogs not allowed in park - fine, $50; Sally's knee specialist, $122; Carpet steam cleaning, $210; Sally's knee operation, $730; TV remote control buried, $85; Attack on postman - fine, $50; "Beware of Dog" sign, $4; New cat for neighbor, $80; Warning from SPCA re: opossum; Barking still annoys neighbors - fine, $150; Advert - Dog for sale, $9; End of first month.
Late That Night
1. Thou shalt not feed us the same food twice.
2. Thou shalt not tell me what to do EVER.
3. Thou shalt not sit on my chair without my permission.
4. Thou shalt not buy furniture that I can not ruin.
5. Thou shalt not feed the birds until I have positioned myself under a bush.
6. Thou shalt not take me to the vet in a cardboard box.
7. Thou shalt not buy a dog with teeth and legs.
8. Thou shalt not rev up the car when I am under it.
9. Thou shalt not put a lid on the Gold Fish Bowl.
10. Thou shalt obey the above or I well piddle in places you will not find.
(c) Mike O'Brien '96
The Morning After
To Tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign.
It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California.
Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock,
I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.
There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit.
And there's only one way to test it.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...
They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and said, "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago.
A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes.
We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!"
See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
Death Wish!
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was.... visit Dihydrogen Monoxide - DHMO Homepage to find out more!
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
