Loose Pizzle of the Year 1998/99
The
Prizegiving 1997: Duane Knowles becomes the first
Loose Pizzle nominee within minutes of the presentation of the 1997/98 award by taking off
with his girlfriend and his batting cup for a bit of "hot and steamy" stuff in
his bathroom. He returns half an hour later (with the batting cup in hand) to carry on
with the celebrations. This leaves the unanswered questions - What did he do with that
cup? What would he have done if he won the fielding cup as well? Why didn't Angela return
with him? 
Vs
Kereru: After flying 12,000 miles around the world to play rugby in New Zealand, Dave the Pom breaks his arm playing touch with some 4th
formers and puts himself out for the season. 
Vs
Kereru: Former Loose Pizzle (96/97) Gary James
goes to a party the night before the game and gets so drunk that he throws up 3 times. The
owner of the house is relieving himself the next day when he looks down and sees Gary's
glasses sitting at the bottom of the toilet! 
Vs
Kereru: Reigning Loose Pizzle (97/98) Stu Gourdie
turns up to play cricket with two left shoes. 
Vs
Kereru: Former Loose Pizzle (95/96) Bevan Walker
exploits the "no outs until a run is scored" rule by getting bowled out twice
and caught once within the space of 4 balls while still on a duck. This achievement
actually forced a rule change for next year and earned him the Player of the Day award.
Pre-Wellington
trip drinks: It is revealed that while Tim Reid’s
bathroom was being renovated, he was so desperate for a crap that he drove all the way
into town, toilet paper in hand ("I’m not using their plastic stuff!") to
use the public toilet.- Wellington
Trip: Tim Reid is the only one on
the trip to throw up on the Sunday morning, including wives and girlfriends.
- Dave
the Pom's farewell: Dave the Pom is
given a blow-up sheep for his going away present, much to the delight of Tim Reid who finds several uses for it...
- Duane's
Housewarming: Duane Knowles gets
rather drunk and after simulating sex with a (male) friend of his, he stands up and
announces to all that "You wait, when my opening batting partner Stu Gourdie gets
here, I'm going to take him anally as soon as he gets in the door!" He followed this
up with an explanation - "...a hole's a hole..." he said. Fortunately for all
concerned, Stu never made it to the party.
- The
Off-season: While travelling abroad, Tim Reid
is "hit on" by a transsexual while walking the streets. He/she rubbed
its foot seductively along Reido's leg...
- The
first practice: Team captain and opening bat Stu
Gourdie showed his stuff in the first practice of the year. While batting
he had an almighty swing at a loose delivery, only to see his bat go flying out of the
nets and onto the grass, much to the amusement of the Premier team who were training in
the next net.
Midweek
- Mercantile: Dinesh almost skewers
himself in an attempt to take a caught and bowled chance. He runs backwards, looking up,
hands raised, only to feel the top of the wickets jabbing him in the arse, much to Stu
Gourdies' delight!- JC's
Party: Duane Knowles reveals a
"retail fetish". It seems he has taken an interest, and in fact dreams about 3
or 4 young ladies from various retail outlets, supermarkets and pharmacies around Hawke's
Bay.
- Vs
HBHS (rained out): Dinesh inquires
whether the surprise birthday party for Stu Gourdie is his 50th.
- Vs
NOBM Blue: Bevan Walker is hit solidly down the
ground for 4 runs by last years' Duck King Sean Selkirk.
- Vs
Havelock North HS: Stu Gourdie
turns up to cricket with his blue Splash Planet wristband on. He has been
wearing it for 4 days in the hope of getting back in for free. Perhaps he didn't
know they change the colours every day...
- Vs Havelock North HS: Del Whyte, down from Presidents Grade for the day, had been boasting "...every time I open I get a 50..." so Stu gave him a chance and let him open the batting. He was bowled out for a Royal Duck, the first anyone could remember for this team
- One
night at the Reido's: It is revealed that Tim
"the Tool Man" Reid, professional builder, is not so handy
around the house. His wife, Una, had to assemble their barbeque and when Tim tried
to do the macho cooking thing, she had to show him how to turn it on!
- Midweek:
At a mercantile game against the Police, Bevan
Walker gets "reverse swept" for 6 runs. He follows this up
by getting a duck.
- Vs
Havelock North: Bevan Walker is
attempting an outfield catch when suddenly he imagines a person behind and turns around to
look. By the time he realises that he is mad and there is no-one there, the ball has hit
the ground.
Vs Hastings BHS:
After being hit in the knee while fielding in slips, Dave
Browne has to be carried from the field and Sean fields in his place.
However Dave seems to recover quickly and before long he has disappeared. He
finally turns up at the clubrooms when the game is over. He has been to his
brother's house to have a haircut!- Vs Cornwall:
Following on from the previous week's effort, Dave Browne
slips away from the ground for about an hour during our batting innings. It is
discovered that he has wandered down to the TAB to put a bet on. He was on his way
back when he felt thirsty so he popped into the pub and had a beer. He was about to
leave but he noticed the time was 4.10pm so he thought "Ah, its the tea-break now,
I've got 20 minutes..." so he stayed and had another pint!
- Vs Cornwall:
In what must be one of his worst days of cricket, Dave
Browne gets hit for 87 runs off his 13 overs, including a season record
for the team of 20 off an over. He has 3 catches dropped off his bowling in 2 overs and
follows this up with a duck while batting, which propels him to the top of the Duck
List. No one was keen to ask him how his horses went...
Vs Havelock North
HS: Marty Bourke denies all
involvement in a brawl involving Napier Boys High and Taradale High Rugby players. There
is then a fight in his Touch game midweek. Coincidence? Yeah, right…- The Christmas party: Stu
Gourdie and Tim Reid try a bit of cross
dressing to entertain the kiddies…
- Vs
Cornwall: Dinesh scores his first
runs for the team (in late February) but then is given out LBW after padding up to a ball
on middle without offering a shot. He comes back claiming "...I didn't think
you could get out on the front foot in this grade..."
-
Vs St John’s: After
dropping a simple catch in the field, skipper Stu Gourdie
repeats an act that he was nominated for last season and awards himself fielding points! 
Vs St John’s: Making his debut in
the team and also on the Pizzle list, Ken the Scotsman
reveals that he has turned up to cricket in his girlfriend’s underwear…
Vs St John’s: Tim
Reid tries to impress his future brother-in-law, Ken the Scotsman, by
inviting him to play cricket. He gives him all the tips he has learnt over the years and
reassures Ken that the bowling is not too difficult ("they’re only hairy-arse
schoolboys"). Tim then went boldly into bat, lasted 3 balls and got out last ball
before drinks.
Vs St John’s: After we batted an
entire innings under rumbling black clouds, Duane Knowles
announces in the between innings break "It won’t rain today – we’ll be
alright…". We bowled 4 balls before the rain came teaming down and play was
washed out for the day in the heaviest rain of the summer.-
Vs St
John’s: Duane Knowles packs a
wobbly when Bevan Walker returns the box he
borrowed from Duane when he took over the wicketkeeping duties during the game. It turns
out there was a loose pubic hair left there. It didn’t help that Bevan tossed the box
to him when he wasn’t looking and it landed in the mud. "Ten years I’ve had
that box and it’s never touched my willy…!" ranted Knowles. - Vs Havelock North HS: Stu Gourdie plays the bully with the schoolboys,
telling them "we’re only playing until 6.oo today…" despite the fact
that there is no provision to do so in the rules. The schoolboys looked a little bemused
when we took the stumps out at 6 o’clock and the other 2 games on the park continued
on for another ½ hour.
- Vs Havelock North HS: In a late run
for the award, Tim Reid is given out stumped by
Dinesh. This was his 3rd duck in 3 innings propelling him from not on the Duck List to
equal second place. Surely the best run of Ducks since the great Sean Selkirk! Tim was not
happy with the decision and showed considerable dissent, shaking his head and stomping off
and demanding that Dinesh be removed from umpiring immediately. He then ranted on from the
sideline yelling "Fire him Dinesh!!" every time the ball beat the bat. He said
"Good job!" to poor Dinesh who didn’t get a bat in his final game. Then at
the end of our innings when the game was to end it was Tim who walked out to the middle to
collect our wickets much to the annoyance of the schoolboys who wanted to play on. He
carefully looked at the wickets at one end and deciding that they were not our wickets, he
strolled to the other end to remove the other set. Once he got there he spotted the
letters HNHS and realised that the first set were ours….
The one day international: Gary James was so drunk that he didn’t know how he got
home, threw up when he did get there and then forced Karen to seek refuge on the couch
after a bout of drunken farting and snoring in the bed.
The one day international: Alan Smiley dishes out lashings of verbal abuse to Test
Double Centurion Bryan Young who was 12th man for the day. Loose Pizzle of the Year 1998/99
is awarded to
Tim Reid