Loose Pizzle of the Year 1997/98

Wellington Trip 1997: Hawke's Bay Association Umpire Stew Whyte and Ryan Pulley are "the boys down the back" of the bus on our trip to see the Hurricanes. Neither can hold their bladders when Bus-driver-from-hell Stu Gourdie refuses to stop for another toilet break so they proceed to pee in various bottles while the bus is still in motion. There is surprisingly little "spillage".

The Gourdie Wedding: Reigning Loose Pizzle Gary James gets off to a great start to the season by having his bottom fondled by Stella throughout the exchange of wedding vows.

The Day After the Gourdie Wedding: The maid comes into the happy couples' room at their hotel and discovers a video camera on the dresser in the honeymoon suite. Another episode in the video chronicles of Stu Gourdie.

The Day After the Gourdie Wedding: Steve Julian picks Eroni Clarke to be first try scorer in the Ranfurly Shield game only to find out half way through the game that Eroni Clarke was not playing…

Dinner at the Reido's: Stu Gourdie dishes up a helping of lasagne, all over Sarah, the table cloth and finally the Reid's white carpet.

Vs. Napier BHS (pre season): Stu Gourdie scores a 50 against a pretty ordinary bowling line-up then while fielding states "It's a minefield out there, it would take a good batsman to get a fifty today…" He was duly fined for gloating.

Vs. NOBM "Green": Alan Smiley goes out to bat and after a couple of overs realises he didn't put a box in and has to call for one from the middle.

Vs. NOBM "Green": Gary James gets clobbered for 71 runs off his 8 overs.

Vs. Mallard: While umpiring, Alan Smiley calls to the scorer to establish how many deliveries to be bowled in the over. He was told "only one" and promptly gave the bowler two more…

Vs. Mallard: Stu Gourdie spits the dummy during our fielding innings in a tantrum which according to reliable sources in the teaching industry lasts several days and results in him not turning up to the clubrooms after the game. He reportedly did not have pleasant words to say about his teammates over dinner that evening. He must have forgotten that he lost the toss and ran himself out.

Vs Cornwall: Sean Selkirk gets a duck. Now normally a duck would not make the Pizzle list but this was Sean's 3^rd in three innings (including a Golden Duck) racing him to the top of the Duck List in what may be an unbeatable lead after just 4 matches.

Vs Cornwall: Dave the Pom asks for an explanation of the term "fair suck of the old sav". This also brings to mind the unrelated fact that Dave traveled 12,000 miles around the world to end up bonking an English girl!

Midweek: Ash Watson admits to getting so drunk that he went home at 3am and urinated in his own bath tub…twice!

Vs Taradale: Sean Selkirk. Duck. Enough said.

Vs Celtic: Duane Knowles has 2 young ladies come to watch him play, he scores 80 not out, carried his bat through the innings in a game we win in glorious fashion and doesn't get a bonk because "I was too tired…"

Vs Celtic: After scoring 80 Duane Knowles' name appears in the local paper as "Swayne Knowles". This wouldn't be so bad, but he was foolish enough to let us know that he had previously been reported as "Diane Knowles".

Vs Tech: Jamie Craig breaks with tradition and decides to step over the white pickets at Nelson Park instead of going through the gate and finds himself face first on the ground after tripping over a picket on his way out to bat. A very dignified entrance!

Vs Tech: Alan Smiley is unable to play due to the fact that he pulled a muscle in his neck while straining to get a band-aid off a boil on his bum.

Vs Colenso Pirates: In the first over of the innings Stu Gourdie "shoulders arms" to a ball outside the off stump only to watch it crash into his wickets. It is also rumored that he claimed his only run of the innings from a ball which hit his forearm and not his bat…

Vs Colenso Pirates: While umpiring, Stu Gourdie (rightly) calls a no-ball for a delivery that was hit in the air for a potential catch. This on its own would have been fine, however once he got off the field, some of the Pirates supporters started to give him a hard time about it. Stu was in the middle of responding with his own brand of wit when he tripped over the guy rope of the Pirates supporters tent, knocked over their picket fence and landed face first on the ground in front of them all. Needless to say, a considerable applause and tooting of horns followed.

Vs Colenso Pirates: Not to be outdone by his captain, Alan Smiley goes out to bat doing a few sideways skips (like the international players do on TV) and also falls flat on his face in front of the opposition and all their supporters.

Midweek: It is revealed that Dave Maudsley, in his only meeting with Sir Richard Hadlee, decided that a mere handshake would not be sufficient for a Knight of the Realm, so he patted Sir Richard on the bottom!

Vs Rangers: Sean Selkirk continues a nightmare run, getting another Golden Duck.

Midweek: Dave Maudsley is foolish enough to let the boys know that he slept the entire night with a young girl in his bed, without laying a hand on her. It was suggested that perhaps he was "… practising his new batting grip…"

Vs Rangers: Stu Gourdie abuses his position as captain and (very Snake-ishly) awards himself 2 fielding points after dropping a catch in the field.

On the town: While out drinking with the team after a meal, reigning Loose Pizzle Gary James tries a new technique for getting a woman into bed - getting her sober. He buys her copious amounts of iced water while chatting her up. His reverse psychology is unsuccessful and apparently she spent the whole next morning throwing up.

On the town: Stu Gourdie leaves Una to walk from the hill to the restaurant unaccompanied on a Saturday night. Una arrives safely, no thanks to Gentleman Stu.

On the town: Tim Reid makes a scandalous allegation about the hostess at the restaurant we were eating at, suggesting that she had been a "working girl". It was never established how he came to have this knowledge and fortunately he did not mention it to her personally.

Vs Mallard: Kieran Pollard turns up half drunk after a heavy night on the booze in which he managed to rip his match shirt. He continues drinking throughout the game and is needless to say a little below par in the fielding department.

Vs Mallard: Sean Selkirk gets into serious danger of having the duck trophy named after him with his 6th duck of the season. However he did manage his first catch of the season after only 12 matches.

Midweek: Bevan Walker breaks his bat at Mercantile and tries to blame Dave the Pom, accusing him of sucking the luck out of the bat by being the first person to get out using it in 1998.

Vs Cornwall: Now becoming a regular entry on the Pizzle list, Dave Maudsley's sexual adventures continue. Stu Gourdie arrives at the hostel to pick up Dave the Pom. Dave answers the door, trousers around his ankles and over his shoulder is a fourth-former lying on the bed reading a "Penthouse". This story has not been verified and unfortunately the only witness, Stu Gourdie, has gained a reputation as a stirrer and a bullshitter…

Vs Cornwall: Bevan Walker thinks he is a bit unlucky after stepping on the only dog turd on the field. However he is outdone by Ryan Pulley who steps in it 3 times in bare feet while umpiring.

At the Cricket International: In a bout of excitement Bevan Walker breaks one of the seats in the Harris Stand while standing on it. He is later refused service at one of the local establishments for being too drunk.

Vs Taradale: Duane Knowles tells the boys of his Wet Dream. He dreamed that he would score 203 not out while opening. This prompts Stu Gourdie to bat him at No 3 and Duane only scores 140 not out.

Vs Taradale: Dave Browne the "hard man" of the team was enjoying a couple of quiet ones at the clubrooms with some of the team when his sister bursts in and proceeds to give him one of the most vigorous and extended telling-offs in recent history. There was no shortage of "f-words" and general abuse but apparently we were getting the toned down version as Brownie was hauled outside for the full "family only" version. It was Brownie's sister who emerged first and she wasn't finished. We were told not to let Dave have any more beer and she informed us that "he will marry a horse one day" and "he's starting to look like one, but I don't know which end!" Dave came back to the table, after making sure the coast was clear, looking a bit sheepish and then tried to play it tough declaring "she can't talk to me like that - I'm 44!"

The Cri Barbie: Tim Reid, Bevan Walker, Gary James and Dave Browne all carry on drinking after the Cri barbie, downing buckets of Ice beer and finishing off Reido's new bottle of rum. None of them make it to work on Monday except Tim who thinks he drove to work half drunk.

The Corporate Triathlon: After being made the designated swimmer for his team Stu Gourdie almost drowns claiming he got claustrophobic with so many swimmers out there…

Vs Mallard and Vs Pirates: Dave the Pom squeals like a girl and runs away from a weta at the Mallard game and then a cockroach at the Pirates game. He had also been bragging about not getting a duck all season and of course, got a duck.

Vs Pirates: Another episode of dummy-spitting from captain Stu Gourdie who is so pissed off with the tail end collapse of the team that he stomps about the place muttering to himself and refuses to join in catching practice with the rest of the team. He then proceeds to drop 2 catches in the field.

Vs Pirates: How else would Sean Selkirk end the season but a third Golden Duck, his 7^th Duck of the season.

Loose Pizzle of the Year 1997/98 awarded to

Stu Gourdie