The Tale Of One Man's Fall

The comes a time in every skateboarders life where they just plain fuck themselves up...bad. We roll our ankles, land with the board up our ass when learning how to heelflip or kickflip, and scratch apart our knees, elbows, and other areas of our body.

This is the tale of John Smith, a local skateboarder who took the bail of a lifetime.

He started warming up by not really trying too hard to get on the rail, just getting a feeling for it. It worked by just kind of throwing your board onto the rail and jumping away. After one or two of those he was good to go. The next attempt would be all out do or die...or casually land, but not on the board. After all, it isn't a really big rail.

John pushed a few times, quickly setup, ollied, landed on the rail, slid, then landed on the ground in some weird position. He got up to go try it again. Once again we setup, ready to document the trick, and he rolled up.

POP! That was the sound of his tail hitting to ground cleanly, but then his front foot ever so slightly came off of the deck. He was heading right for the perfect spot on the rail, turned 90 degrees as you should be for a boardslide, but his board wasn't with him.

He landed right on the center of the rail with his personal area. His nuts were probably being pushed into his stomach, and the contents of his stomach being pushed into his chest. He was just stuck there on the rail, with only his crotch holding him up. He didn't slide down. He didn't even move. He just sat there with the craziest facial expression ever. It looked like a giant old ape having a heart attack when it's big fat ape mother was gunned down. Then he slowly slid off the rail and onto the ground.

By this time it had already begun. He was swelling up with nothing to stop him. He was getting bigger and bigger and Pat and I started to worry a bit. John was looking like a big fat ogre at double his usual size. I offered to help him, but he groaned and managed to say: "I don't need help. I'm tough. My balls are four times bigger than regular guys." With all that swelling he wasn't even exagerating, so I snapped a photo of him lying there, he finally recovered, and we called it a day.