n e w s
8 August 2001
Twenty-one “pretty much the same”
23 June 2001
Internet Grammar Lady “bad” and “wrong”
30 May 2001
Teeth “constant source of infection”—doctor
18 May 2001
Powell denies he has “great abs”
17 May 2001
Mordeno: Check yourself out!
“It is a rare mind indeed that can render the hitherto non-existent blindingly obvious. The cry ‘I could have thought of that’ is a very popular and misleading one, for the fact is that they didn't, and a very significant and revealing fact it is too.”
Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency
All your navigation panel are belong to us!
(This space for rent)
t h o u g h t s
From time to time, I have these weird ideas about stuff.
It's not like they're important or useful or anything, but
they do show what a weird, twisted individual I am.
I think that Evil Overlords would generally fare a lot better if they
adopted a more tolerant attitude in the workplace. Sure, this whole
“I do not accept excuses” thing is all very well for
inspiring terror in the hearts of your minions, but think for a minute:
if you were maybe prepared to go a little easy on them if they
screwed up, wouldn't that inspire them to try a little harder, and use
their initiative once in a while? Remember: underlings are people, too.
The only truly weird people are those who pretend they aren't weird at all.
They say that patience is a virtue, which I guess is why everybody has it
on their computer.
I bet the downfall of a lot of terrorists is that they have to make their
timebombs tick, even though the timing mechanism is completely digital.
It was one of those moments when the only thing left to say was “oom”.
What's up with those people who push their way forward at rock
concerts? There must be some sort of psychological disorder that
makes them believe that somehow, someone way up there is saving
a place for them for some reason, and that nobody else has thought
of crowding in and filling up the gap.
I think that instead of the term “right-handed”, we should all start
saying “write-handed”. That way, it's more inclusive, and you don't have
to say “your right hand, or your left hand if you're left-handed”, which
is just plain confusing. And hey, they sound the same, so you can always
pretend you actually said “write-handed” if you forget.
I bet there must be fierce competition between those dollar-a-day
organisations like World Vision and CCF and what-have-you. I mean,
have you ever sat down and compared exactly what you get, dollar for
dollar? And notice how only one of them is helping little Jeratich.
Is that right? Jeratich? Yes, Jeratich.
How do you test those alarm systems that say “this is not a drill”?
You know how space is a vacuum, right? Well, I have a thermos flask that
keeps my drinks warm simply because heat can't travel through a vacuum.
So how come the sun can warm the earth? Either it's so incredibly hot
that the vacuum doesn't matter, or the vacuum flask people are lying to
us for some reason. Hmm.
My sister wants to know if there's such a thing as “I Can't Believe it
is Butter!”. Which is a good point, really. But I don't think it
would sell very well, 'cause it would have to actually be butter,
but not taste like butter, and that would probably taste really
bad. Mmm... Butter...
When life gives you lemons, sure, you could make lemonade
like everybody else, but how about trying something different?
Try making a lemon sculpture, or maybe you
could investigate the use of lemon juice as a cheap, renewable
Everyone knows it's polite to hold a door open for a lady. But what do
you do when you're on the ‘push’ side? You seem rude if you push the door
open, then rush through and hold it for her; plus you get in the way. And
I can't recommend kicking the door open so she can get through and you can
let her past... That's why I always carry a Phillips-head screwdriver.
Man, what's with those people who'd sell their own grandmothers?
Who do they think would buy them?
You can't plan being stranded on a desert island.
You just have to be prepared, so that when they come
for you, you can be like, “Oh, I'll just go get
my suitcase, 'kay?”
Does hugging a smoker feel like picking up an ashtray?
If something really was safe for
children under 3, would they put it in a plastic
bag with “safe for children under 3” on the
outside? My guess is no.
I think that for chicks, a really good way to
insult a guy would be to go, “They should put a
warning sticker on you saying ‘not recommended for
children under 36 months, on account of the
small parts’”. If that happened to me,
I'd be really bummed out.
Travis: the male Jewel?
Where do cicadas go in winter? They can't just die,
'cause then how would you get more? But you never hear
that noise in winter.
(These thoughts contributed by my weird-ass brother,
Normally if you're running a business, you don't want your employees
eating the product, right? Especially not if it's a food business. But
there are some situations where it's probably OK. Take a factory that
grinds up coffee beans to make instant coffee, for example. If you let
your employees just munch away on coffee beans, they'd go on monster
caffeine rushes and you'd squeeze like 22-hour days out of them.
I read somewhere that lettuces are like 90% water or something.
This got me thinking: why hasn't someone made up Instant Lettuce?
If you remove all the water, you could reduce storage space by
90%. You could carry an entire lettuce around with you in your
pocket, and when you want a salad, hey presto! Just add water!
Nah, it would probably go all brown and gross.
If at first you don't succeed, you should probably stop
before you break something.
If I were an evil genius, I think I'd probably laugh maniacally
a lot. Not out of any inherent maliciousness, but hey, it's
got to be good for your lungs, right?
Dinosaurs were lizards, right? So could they do like lizards today, and make their
tails fall off as like a defense mechanism? I think some of them probably could,
because if you were one of the chicken-sized ones, and one of the big clumpy
ones stood on your tail, you could live to steal eggs another day. But the ones
that used their tails for balance? Not a clever idea.
If you put an infinite number of monkeys in a room with an infinite number of
typewriters, eventually the monkeys would drink the correction fluid.
People who give away free stuff like flyers and samples of milk are kind of
like the antithesis of beggars: you take something from one, and they all
expect to give you something. Pretty soon a crowd develops and a scuffle
ensues, and then it's tears before bedtime.
People who live in glass houses must get no end of trouble from double-glazing
salesmen, because boy, I bet those things get mighty cold in the winter. Maybe
they'd be allowed to throw stones at the double-glazing salesmen if it was like
the fifth time this week.
It's a pity that polar bears and penguins don't live in the same place, 'cause that
would just vindicate everybody who's ever made the mistake of thinking they do.
Who came up with the word “tundra”?
I've never actually had a fortune cookie, so please excuse my ignorance, but...
do you actually eat them? Do they come in different flavours? And are they OK
for diabetics and people with lactose intolerance?