From time to time, I have these weird ideas about stuff. It's not like they're important or useful or anything, but they do show what a weird, twisted individual I am.

29|04|01

I think that Evil Overlords would generally fare a lot better if they adopted a more tolerant attitude in the workplace. Sure, this whole “I do not accept excuses” thing is all very well for inspiring terror in the hearts of your minions, but think for a minute: if you were maybe prepared to go a little easy on them if they screwed up, wouldn't that inspire them to try a little harder, and use their initiative once in a while? Remember: underlings are people, too.

03|04|01

The only truly weird people are those who pretend they aren't weird at all.

16|02|01

They say that patience is a virtue, which I guess is why everybody has it on their computer.

17|01|01

I bet the downfall of a lot of terrorists is that they have to make their timebombs tick, even though the timing mechanism is completely digital.

03|12|00

It was one of those moments when the only thing left to say was “oom”.

26|11|00

What's up with those people who push their way forward at rock concerts? There must be some sort of psychological disorder that makes them believe that somehow, someone way up there is saving a place for them for some reason, and that nobody else has thought of crowding in and filling up the gap.

I think that instead of the term “right-handed”, we should all start saying “write-handed”. That way, it's more inclusive, and you don't have to say “your right hand, or your left hand if you're left-handed”, which is just plain confusing. And hey, they sound the same, so you can always pretend you actually said “write-handed” if you forget.

22|11|00

I bet there must be fierce competition between those dollar-a-day organisations like World Vision and CCF and what-have-you. I mean, have you ever sat down and compared exactly what you get, dollar for dollar? And notice how only one of them is helping little Jeratich. Is that right? Jeratich? Yes, Jeratich.

17|11|00

How do you test those alarm systems that say “this is not a drill”?

13|11|00

You know how space is a vacuum, right? Well, I have a thermos flask that keeps my drinks warm simply because heat can't travel through a vacuum. So how come the sun can warm the earth? Either it's so incredibly hot that the vacuum doesn't matter, or the vacuum flask people are lying to us for some reason. Hmm.

My sister wants to know if there's such a thing as “I Can't Believe it is Butter!”. Which is a good point, really. But I don't think it would sell very well, 'cause it would have to actually be butter, but not taste like butter, and that would probably taste really bad. Mmm... Butter...

27|09|00

When life gives you lemons, sure, you could make lemonade like everybody else, but how about trying something different? Try making a lemon sculpture, or maybe you could investigate the use of lemon juice as a cheap, renewable petroleum substitute.

Everyone knows it's polite to hold a door open for a lady. But what do you do when you're on the ‘push’ side? You seem rude if you push the door open, then rush through and hold it for her; plus you get in the way. And I can't recommend kicking the door open so she can get through and you can let her past... That's why I always carry a Phillips-head screwdriver.

20|09|00

Man, what's with those people who'd sell their own grandmothers? Who do they think would buy them?

18|09|00

You can't plan being stranded on a desert island. You just have to be prepared, so that when they come for you, you can be like, “Oh, I'll just go get my suitcase, 'kay?”

Does hugging a smoker feel like picking up an ashtray?

03|07|00

If something really was safe for children under 3, would they put it in a plastic bag with “safe for children under 3” on the outside? My guess is no.

30|06|00

I think that for chicks, a really good way to insult a guy would be to go, “They should put a warning sticker on you saying ‘not recommended for children under 36 months, on account of the small parts’”. If that happened to me, I'd be really bummed out.

17|06|00

Travis: the male Jewel?

Where do cicadas go in winter? They can't just die, 'cause then how would you get more? But you never hear that noise in winter.

(These thoughts contributed by my weird-ass brother, Tim.)

19|05|00

Normally if you're running a business, you don't want your employees eating the product, right? Especially not if it's a food business. But there are some situations where it's probably OK. Take a factory that grinds up coffee beans to make instant coffee, for example. If you let your employees just munch away on coffee beans, they'd go on monster caffeine rushes and you'd squeeze like 22-hour days out of them.

27|04|00

I read somewhere that lettuces are like 90% water or something. This got me thinking: why hasn't someone made up Instant Lettuce? If you remove all the water, you could reduce storage space by 90%. You could carry an entire lettuce around with you in your pocket, and when you want a salad, hey presto! Just add water!

Nah, it would probably go all brown and gross.

14|04|00

If at first you don't succeed, you should probably stop before you break something.

09|04|00

If I were an evil genius, I think I'd probably laugh maniacally a lot. Not out of any inherent maliciousness, but hey, it's got to be good for your lungs, right?

30|04|00

Dinosaurs were lizards, right? So could they do like lizards today, and make their tails fall off as like a defense mechanism? I think some of them probably could, because if you were one of the chicken-sized ones, and one of the big clumpy ones stood on your tail, you could live to steal eggs another day. But the ones that used their tails for balance? Not a clever idea.

26|03|00

If you put an infinite number of monkeys in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, eventually the monkeys would drink the correction fluid.

16|02|00

People who give away free stuff like flyers and samples of milk are kind of like the antithesis of beggars: you take something from one, and they all expect to give you something. Pretty soon a crowd develops and a scuffle ensues, and then it's tears before bedtime.

People who live in glass houses must get no end of trouble from double-glazing salesmen, because boy, I bet those things get mighty cold in the winter. Maybe they'd be allowed to throw stones at the double-glazing salesmen if it was like the fifth time this week.

It's a pity that polar bears and penguins don't live in the same place, 'cause that would just vindicate everybody who's ever made the mistake of thinking they do.

Who came up with the word “tundra”?

I've never actually had a fortune cookie, so please excuse my ignorance, but... do you actually eat them? Do they come in different flavours? And are they OK for diabetics and people with lactose intolerance?