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26 July, 2004

24 July, 11:07PM - josh addison demon penis

That's more like it.

25 July, 2004

Another week gone. Bollocks. You'd think I'd have something to say for myself after seven whole days, but no -- apart from playing Onimusha 3 (yes, the opening movie is the best ever) and trying to teach the cat to answer to "fuckpig", I've done very little. Oh, I did see a few films at the International Film Festival. In approximate order of goodness, they were:

Intimate Confessions of a Chinese Courtesan - not quite what I expected, since I was expecting porn. The write-up suggested something in the mould of Chinese Torture Chamber Story or Sex and Zen, with a bit more martial arts chucked in. Turned out to be a martial arts film with occasional boobies and implied (for the most part) lesbianism. Pretty much forgettable, except for the line "your yin yang ghost fingers are no match for my spine-chilling sword!"

36th Chamber of Shaolin - good old fashioned wushu. Most of the film is one big training montage, as our hero works his way through the 35 (yes, 35) chambers of a Shaolin temple, doing various punishing exercises to strengthen his legs, arms, wrists, head, eyes (?) and so on. Very cool, even if the audience kept laughing at bits that weren't meant to be funny.

Ong-Bak - a modern martial arts film from Thailand. If the only Muay Thai you've ever seen was in Kickboxer, this film is a must. The entire thing seems to be based around giving the hero opportunites to look good and show off how freakishly skilled and athletic he is. There's a big chase scene near the start where he happily defies physics bounding over and through an increasingly perilous array of obstacles (what the fuck were those guys carrying a bail of barbed wire around like that for?), and a large number of very cool fight scenes where he gets to show off all his leaping, elbowing, kneeing, spinning, splits-doing skills. One of the best martial arts films I've seen, well, ever -- I've never heard an audience make so many "ooh, that's gotta hurt" noises in one film.

Shaun of the Dead - words can barely describe how good this film is, both as a zombie movie and as a comedy. Try its website instead.

18 July, 2004

From the hitlogs:

let's fuck up josh addison again
josh addison is in the fucking closet
i want to fuck josh addison
what is josh addison fucking right now
what is josh addison fucking with his penis right now

Not bad, but a little unimaginative -- josh addison sucks giraffe balls from a week earlier was much better. Obviously, "monkey balls", would have been ideal (and would have worked, too).

Also of note (in no particular order):

ashton kutcher has webbed feet and a prosthetic eye
zombies midgets porn
prostitute robots (didn't specify whether they were from the future or not)
midget slave death fight
dentists are bastards
lithuanian midgets
hair and blogs
blow to the groin
arcee porn -- I fucking knew it!! You'll want to go here, mate.
giraffe fuck dwarf
rogerings always do (always do what, I'm not sure)
fruity psychic weird spanish

And this month's despair at the state of humanity is brought to you by:

ash master spunk -poke sorry -pokemon -pokémon

Did that person just apologize to a search engine?

13 July, 2004

More kerrazy adventures in packaging.

Someone's been reading too many 50s sci-fi serials -- new Milo energy drink with Actigen-E! Now you too can fight the evil forces of Professor Zorknob alongside your hero, Captain Indomitable! Why, with this wonder tonic, even the combined might of the Feminazi Armada and the Dastardly Space Jews stand no chance!

What really gets me, though, is its description of itself as a "Nutritious Food Drink", doubtless composed of solid liquid, and manufactured by freeslaves in their home factories. Peachy doublepluskeen.

9 July, 2004

Getting a bit heavy on movie reviews at the moment (and with the International Film Festival starting here, that doesn't look likely to change any time soon), but fuck it -- I had this big spiel replying to Apathy Jack's straw-man-filled take on the justice system, but then I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and now it just doesn't seem that important.

I know I'm a bit behind the times -- it's been out for a while now -- but what the hell: if you haven't already, go and see this film, in which Jim Carrey displays actual acting ability, Kate Winslet perfectly portrays the ideal woman of every introverted geek in the world and Charlie Kaufman PUNCHES YOU IN THE HEART AND LEAVES YOU GASPING ON THE FOOTPATH. I wasn't sure if I was happy or sad by the end of the film -- "emotional" is about the best I can come up with.

This was actually the first Charlie Kaufman film I've seen (except for Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, which doesn't count), and I was pleasantly surprised to see that in this one, the clever gimickry takes a back seat to the actual story. The "memory erasing" device provides the setup for watching a relationship in reverse (so that the bad parts are forgotten by the time we get to the good parts), but the film isn't good in a "ooh that's a clever and brain-twisting idea" way, it's good because the performances of the two leads are the best I can recall seeing -- you can completely buy them as a couple falling in or out of love.

Like I say, Kate Winslet plays every shy geek's fantasy woman -- a bouncy, frenetic, personable hottie who will make the first move and draw you into a conversation and doesn't find you boring (even though you insist you are), but whose extroversion covers a vulnerability that needs a nice (much is made of that word in the film), stable guy. And in the same way the I've never wanted Kate Winslet more than in this film, I've never disliked Jim Carrey less. Sure, he was great in Man on the Moon, but that was playing a guy as "wacky" as he is -- here all of the mugging and silly Jim Carrey-ness that he made his reputation on is gone. The interactions between the two are achingly genuine, and so easy to empathise with that it ends up being quite harrowing watching and wondering what's going to become of them.

There's a line in Preacher where Tulip's friend Amy is watching her and Jesse and says to herself "I wish I was one of you. Either one." -- that seemed like a slightly weird thing to say, but I think I get it now. I'm not yet sure whether this film goes on my "brilliant, but I never want to see it again" list or not, but it's definitely worth watching at least once.

(I'm also not sure if it would be the perfect film to take a date to, or the worst possible one you could think of...)

5 July, 2004

Funny -- it used to be that some people believed that if you took their photo, you'd steal part of their soul, lessening them somehow. Now it seems people believe that unless you take a photo of them (and place it somewhere prominent), they don't fully exist. While reeling from the idea that I might consider this site to be in any way "prominent", I present Kate:

It's Kate!

I would make fun of her pleadings to be put up here, but frankly, the woman owns a "I ♣ Hippies" badge, and for that I can forgive almost anything.

2 July, 2004

Ah, Spiderman -- lemme tell you a story about Spiderman fanboys. See, even in the comics things don't stay the same forever -- in the comics, Peter Parker grew up some, settled down some, married Mary Jane; I think they even had kid. And the fans complained: "Waah! We want Peter like he used to be! Not some family guy, just a college kid with problems like holding down a job and failing papers and being caught by his parents masturbating over Wonder Woman comics!" (Possibly some projection going on there.)

So then you had the "Spider Clone" story line, in which an old plot from the 70s where some scientist made clone of Spiderman was resurrected, and you had the clone (who was meant to be dead) show up again, only (DUN DUN DUHNN!) it turned out that he was the real Peter Parker, and the guy who readers had been watching for the last few decades was actually the clone (who didn't know he was a clone). So our "Peter Parker" decides to retire and go do the white picket fence thing with MJ, while the new Peter Parker changes his name, sets himself up with a new life and takes up being Spiderman.

Now at the end of what seemed (to someone who only flipped through the occasional Spiderman comic on the shelves) a horrifically convoluted storyline, you had a Spiderman who was no longer a family man, who had everyday worries like holding down a job and balancing commitments -- who was, in fact, just how Peter Parker used to be. And the fanboys' reaction: "Waah! He died his hair blonde! We want the old Peter Parker back!" Despite the fact that if they stopped and thought about it for a second, they'd have realised that the writers had given them everything they'd been whining for. And so Marvel whipped out an even shittier plot where it turns out that, nope, we were wrong all along, and the one who we thought was the original Peter Parker really was Peter Parker, and the new guy was actually the clone, and the clone died and they danced on his grave and Judge Snyder showed up and declares that everything shall be just the way it was before...

Anyway, the point is, people are constantly obsessing over Peter Parker's character, and no-one ever seems to be happy with the way Peter Parker is. And so we get Spiderman 2: The Angstening.

In short: I have never seen Richard flip off a movie screen as often as he did in Spiderman 2.

In longer: Yes, we fucking get it -- Peter Parker's life is shit! He's failing university, losing his job, alienating Mary Jane, worrying about Aunt May and suffering from the Spiderman equivalent of erectile dysfunction. If he had a pet, it would doubtless have been run over, and if he had a car, someone would almost certainly have shit in its gas tank. Probably a clown. Or a filthy, filthy mime. Oh, and insane genius Doctor Octopus blah blah blah destroy city etc etc harm ones he loves rah bah bah. There's a difference between being an everyman/underdog and being the world's freaking doormat.

When this film's good, it's damn good -- the action scenes are fucking fantastic (even if the sound in the theater kept half cutting out during the best bits). And J. Jonah Jameson is a funny bastard. But in between the good bits we have to sit through so much angsting and bitching from Peter and homiletic little speeches on heroism from Aunt May and Kirsten Dunst acting like she's half asleep the entire goddamn time (she's lucky she has nipples)...

As with Ang Lee's Incredible Hulk film, you get the sense that Sam Raimi thinks being a comic film is somehow shameful, and he has to pile in "meaningful" character "development" to wash the dirt off his hands -- the dirt, it won't come off! I scrub and scrub, but it won't come off! -- and make like his film is somehow more significant than a bit of blockbuster-y popcorn entertainment. The whole thing feels like they should have been having more fun with it. Why the Peter Parker I remember was a happy-go-lucky Spidey, always with a quip and wisecrack as he battled the bad guys -- they should have made him more like-

*At this point, Josh was crushed beneath the weight of his own hypocrisy.*

The moral of this story is: I need to own a one-handed surgical chainsaw.

30 June, 2004

Speaking of matters feline:

R.I.P. Lek

You were a bizarre, disturbing demon-cat.
But damn it, that's the best kind.

29 June, 2004

I wasn't one of the cool people at school. I mean, I knew the cool people, and they didn't dislike me, but you know, I was "liked, but not well-liked", if we're quoting Arthur Miller.1 There were groups rather than cliques, the occasional bit of bitchyness and behind-back-talking, but nothing like the high school in Mean Girls. There also weren't nearly as many 16-year-olds with fantastic tits, but then, most of our 16-year-olds were actually 16.

Anyway, the point is -- Mean Girls: not actually shit.

I know, but bear with me. It is still a teen comedy, but it's actually funny. While full of the usual teen comedy clichés, it manages to either subvert or have fun with enough of them to make watching it genuinely enjoyable. Hell, even the obligatory "You know, I learned something today..." speech is tempered with a bit of piss-taking. And then there are the actual funny-on-their-own-merits bits -- the main character talks about her home-schooled upbringing:

"Home schooled kids are either weird nerdy types..."

Cut to geek with braces in a spelling bee.

"...or insane religious types."

Cut to squinting, bucktoothed hillbilly kids:

"...and on the thurd day, Gahd cree-ated the Remmington wide-bore shotgun, so man could protect himself from the Dah-no-sores. And the ho-mo-sexuals. Amen."

Or their take on American sex ed, which consists of the PE teacher saying "if you have sex you will get pregnant and you WILL DIE".

The plot? New girl in school blah blah blah unpopular yadda yadda yadda gets in with the evil in crowd etc etc etc convinced by her bitter, alternative, yet nice friends to fuck with the evil bitches and so on and so forth becomes bitchy herself kill me now learns valuable life lesson. I repeat: not as shit as it sounds on paper.

OK, how about this: the main character's dad is the Janitor from Scrubs. There you go.

1 We are.

20 June, 2004

This is the Cat:

Insanity Cat, Feline of Madness

Apparently, his name is Morris, most likely because Insanity Cat, Feline of Madness is a little too cumbersome.

That is all.

16 June, 2004

While American politics is generally of little more than passing interest to me, I do love a good slogan. The typography and mild left-wing hysteria leave a little to be desired, but this entry from a Best Anti-Bush T-shirt contest still raises a chortle...

14 June, 2004

The joys of a slothful Sunday evening spent in front of the television -- mmm... slothy. Um, slothful.

So, the final of Friends, eh? It's been years since I gave a shit about that show -- I don't recall the last time I watched a full episode -- but I still feel a little maudlin after what was a fairly imagination-free finale. I assume this is because I now feel nostalgic for the first couple of seasons, back when it was good. Ten years is distant enough for nostalgia, isn't it? Hell, these days, last week seems to be enough.

Nope, 'round about the time Ross and Rachel broke up (the first time) was when I knew the scriptwriters had run out of ideas. The breakup episode is every writer's Get Out Of Jail Free card -- simply by having a couple get together, you then have a built-in story for some time later on when you can't think of anything better to. And when Monica and Chandler became an item -- well, while there are a variety of opinions on when Friends jumped the proverbial, that was the moment for me. Especially since I can remember interviews with the show's creators from way back when, in which they insisted that while the Ross and Rachel thing was always planned, none of the other friends would ever be hooking up with each other. No siree. So that wee plot point was to me, the time at which you could, if you listened really closely, hear the sound of the writers' pens hitting the floor as they gave up and shuffled out of their offices, to be replaced by Bobo, the script-writingest chimp in all of Hollywood.

But anyway, then I watched Celebrity Treasure Island. Or, if they were going to be honest about it: Celebrity Tits Island. Because that's basically the chief appeal -- attractive kiwi celebs and their bouncy pulsating mammaries, flouncing around a sunny island locale in an array of increasingly scanty outfits1. Works for me.

This time around they seem to be upping the ante, as barely-clad lovlies shimmy up trees, showing a worrying amount of immaculately waxed bathing suit area. Jayne Kiely had a go at cutting down palm fronds in nought but a bikini, and ended up with little for her troubles, save for a case of thigh-chaffing that left her walking like one of the female stars of Big Trouble in Little Vagina. Celebrity Crotch Island ahoy.

The show immediately set about establishing Lana Coc-Kroft as the most aggravating bitch on the planet, possibly so we don't feel so bad about her whole almost-dying-of-mystery-illness thing. Swiping the guys' rule book before they even knew it was there and taunting them with it, reneging on a deal because she wasn't there when it was made (despite the fact that the women singled out individual men to make deals with later) -- you'd feel sorry for the guys if it weren't for the fact that most of the actual challenges were severely weighted in favour of physical ability, which the mostly sport star men's team had in rippling abundance. Although how mighty biceps provide an unfair advantage when aiming a crossbow, I'm not sure, but it didn't stop the women from whinging that they were disadvantaged. Except for Charlotte Dawson, who whinged that she was crap, and that everyone hated her because she was crap. (No evidence of this was present, by the way. Yet.)

Nope, I'll be coming back to this show, having got hooked on the last season (more due to Eva the Bulgarian and Nurse Jo from Shortland Street than the bitchy inter-personal dynamics and pulse-pounding drama, obviously). And given the number of people I know who have a thing for at least one of American Idol, The Apprentice, that America's Next Top Model thing or The One With Jessica Simpson and Whatshisname, you will be too. You dirty little fucker.

1 This includes the men, by the way.

11 June, 2004

Starburst Squirts -- the new candy on the block. In a manner similar to the pissing pork balls made famous by Stephen Chow's martial arts cooking comedy extravaganza God of Cookery, these wee sweeties consist of a gummi shell, containing liquid fruit juice inside. Personally, I find eating them to be a slightly disturbing sensation, but each to his own.

However, look a little closer at that photo:

Now, look me in the eye and tell me that's a "G". Go on -- try it. The best argument I can find for it's being a "G" is it just has to be. Otherwise... well, let's not think about otherwise. Sleep tight.

3 June, 2004

Well, that was quick -- one day after I announce a new hitcounter, and already I see:

giraffe blog Josh really loves my big long dick oh yeah baby
giraffe blog Josh is a lesbian vampire hampster

Kudos to you sir, kudos.

Anyway, this reminmds me that there were a few more points to be made about my hitlogs:

  • A body gets curious as to how prominent he is in the search terms that bring people to him. Started checking Google to see how prominent I am in such searches -- I take pride in being the Internet's number one for fuckin stupid.

  • Bit of a mystery: Google Images has provided this image on more than one occasion to searchers. Unfortunately, tracing the URL back doesn't actually show me what terms they were searching for that brought it up in the first place. I've made an educated guess or two, and the results, while a source of plentiful amusement in themselves, have yet to include my image.

  • Another mystery: there seems to be a meme going around that I'm not aware of -- what the fuck is japanese_kung_fu_movie_dialogue.wav, and why do people keep looking for it at my site?

2 June, 2004

Did I say "works"? I meant "doesn't work". It's going again, but I don't fully trust it not to fuck up again in a few days, so let's see if I can get an update up in the meantime.

What to talk about? Moved to a new flat; got a cat -- did I mention I got a new hitcounter? No? Must've slipped my mind.

Nice to see that, since I last had one, the Internet has remained largely composed of unimaginative porn addicts (either that or my site just continues to attract them in disproportionate abundance). I mean seriously -- naked women? How hard is it to come up with something a bit more particular? Porn and fucking was another one -- at least they're not fussy. Not like the person who really really wants to find naked pictures of Kim Catrall (going by the number of times they showed up in my log -- an individual from Canada, as it happens, doubtless looking for something to keep him warm on those cold sub-Arctic nights).

Also interesting to see like-minded individuals being drawn to me with the likes of:

  • hugh janus
  • sheep fucking
  • voice inside my yed
  • insanely twisted rabbits
  • danza slap
  • chronic masturbator rob zombie
  • split second big fucking guns
  • funny spanish phrases
  • facial beatings
  • to fuck Christina Ricci

A little depressing to discover I wasn't the first person to coin the words lapathy or masturbatrix (hell, I'm not even on the first page when you search for that one).

On to the more disturbing/perplexing terms to have popped up in my logs over the last month:

  • horse on horse porn - disturbing
  • giraffe(weather) - perplexing
  • Bus Stop Whores - bit of both
  • Graphic motorbike crashes which I can download of the internet - it's the "of" that makes it all the more troubling.
  • where can i go to have a good shit - well, I suppose that's a fair question -- why you'd consult the internet, I'm not sure.
  • christian atheist giraffe hell - I... just... wha? Nngh.
  • which horror film has teenagers in a deserted manor being killed - for Christ's sake -- ALL OF THEM!
  • apathy jack - someone's looking for you...
  • jellybean richard art - you too...

And finally:

ass good as it gets - typo or best porno title EVER?

Oh, and weather pictures for kids. Weather pictures for kids???

That's not pornographic, it's not funny, it sounds almost... educational, like someone tried to use my site to benefit and improve the youth of today. You sick, dirty fuck. I'm going to bed.

22 May 2004

The computer, she works once again. More to follow.

11 May, 2004

Mario Josef Stalin

Coincidental resemblance, or something more sinister? Something like... Communism!

5 May, 2004

OK, slight moral quandary here: you know the new commenting thing that you never use? Well I've been tinkering, and found out a couple of disturbing things. First of all, I can put a pretty image at the top of it. So I did. Second of all, if you click the little question mark link on the comments form, it shows you that you can use the standard <a>, <b> and <i> HTML tags for links and prettifying.

It also shows you can use built-in smileys.

That's right -- type in ":)" and you'll get a little smiley graphic. There's one for happy, one for sad, one for angry, one -- God help us all -- for "LOL".

It seems my only choice is to turn off commenting, smash my computer, and find some way of burning down the Internet. Ah, I'll do it tomorrow.

4 May, 2004

Interview with Morrissey from Melody Maker, 1997:

Well, I don't believe you haven't ever gone out with anyone, Stephen [sic].
Well, I haven't, so put that in your Sony cassette and ... [laughs sharply] I really haven't.
But you're a human being.
You've no evidence of that. Artists aren't really people. And I'm actually 40 percent papier maché."

3 May, 2004

Found out the other day that "berk" is actually Cockney rhyming slang, short for "Berkley Hunt" -- it doesn't stand for "front", kiddies... Similarly, "charlie" (as in "'E's a right charlie") is short for "Charlie Hunt".

Think of that the next time you use them. Unless you knew all along, and just hadn't told me, you dirty, dirty bastards...

1 May, 2004

Again with the archiving. Another three months worth of arse disappears into the electronic ether, to make way for another three months worth of arse.