The giraffe blogs
07/03 - 09/03
The giraffe writes
The giraffe diversifies
The giraffe manifests
The giraffe associates
The giraffe listens
The giraffe updates
16 January, 2004
Remember when they made an ALF cartoon? It was set on planet Melmac before Alf (then Gordon Shumway) came to Earth, and cast him as the oldest son in a nice little suburban family with loving parents, cute younger sister, friends, love interest, etc.
That always struck me as pretty fucked up, since we know eventually all of these people are going to die horribly when his planet's destroyed. Parents? A fine mist of widely dispersed particles. Little sister? Space dust. All the people you ever liked and associated with? Currently intermingling with the population of Alderaan. Oh and we shit in your shoes and poured sugar in your spaceship's gastank -- how do you like that, fuzzy?
As I recall, they also pussied out of showing the Melmacians eating housecats all the time, which they were supposed to do. Fuckers.
12 January, 2004
As you may well suspect, I am now 28.
In a break with tradition, celebrations were expressed this year via the medium of tenpin bowling. In which I was victorious (for the first game anyway). Photo machine hijinks were notable by their absence -- watch this space.
11 January, 2004
From the "too good to pass up" box: Britney's 5-second marriage.
What I love is the desperate spin her PR people are trying to put on it, so as to suggest that it wasn't the act of a couple of pissed fuckwits.
You see, she "lacked understanding of her actions to the extent that she was incapable of agreeing to the marriage" -- because she was pissed. Sauced. Blitzed out of her blonde little skull. In, you might say, the zone -- the riotously shitfaced zone, that is.
More than that though, we get this business about how once they were married, Britney and the man who will forever more be known as Mr Britney, "did not know each other's likes and dislikes, each other's desires to have or not have children, and each other's desires as to state of residency. Upon learning of each other's desires, they are so incompatible that there was a want of understanding of each other's actions in entering into this marriage."
Now, this guy is constantly referred to as her "childhood friend" -- she goes out on the piss with him, she's known him for years; they must be perfectly compatible in terms of personality, and you would assume they'd already know this sort of stuff. The only implication that can be drawn, then, is that the incompatibilities lay in another, previously unencountered arena. In short: One of them likes it dirty.
But which one? Did Mr Britney try the Danza Slap, only for it to go unappreciated? Or did Britney perhaps try for a ride on the Baby Rodeo? The world* demands an answer.
* The world consisting of me, Apathy Jack, and presumably his brother also.
04 January, 2004
Me
Her
"Yeah, so I figure if I'm going to keep up with the Wushu over summer, I'll have to cut my hair off -- it's just too much sweat to deal with."
"Ooh -- cut your hair? I've only ever known you with long hair -- how are you going to have it?"
"No, cut my hair off -- all of it. I'm thinking a number two or three all over."
"But why not get a proper haircut?"
"Because I am very lazy. I have long hair because you need put no thought into wearing it - tie it back and you're done. If I'm going to give that up, it will be for the only hair style that's even lazier than the Generic Ponytail, and that's stubble."
"Do you think that'll suit you?"
Probably not, no -- my head is lumpy and my ears stick out. Nevertheless: Lazy. Very.
"But you could just cut it shorter and then have some sort of floppy fringey arrangement or something that'll look nice with a bit of product in it or--"
"I'll let you do it..."
"WHEEE! Ooh, we can tie it up in sections and cut it all off and then donate the hair to children with cancer! Can we give you a mullet first?" Etc.
26 December, 2003
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Diabetes.
21 December, 2003
Still no writing, but the Fun with Flash keeps on coming.
15 December, 2003
Josh's favourite lyrics ever, #1:
The very worst thing in this world
Is
Anything you're thinking, darling
Frenté - Thinking Darling
14 December, 2003
OK, a little more Fun with Flash. But that's all.
5 December, 2003
The Internet bores me.
"Ennui" - is there a more wanky word in the entire English language? It's more than just wank - it's wanque. Like most people, I assumed it was pronounced "en-yoo-eye" until I found out it was brimming with counter-intuitive Frenchness - "on-nwee" indeed...
Still, wank or no wank, it's what I'm feeling with regards to this here Interweb thingy right now. I'm spending hardly any time online at the moment, favouring instead the seductive charms of the PlayStation. So no updates for you. Na-ah-ah.
28 November, 2003
Fight! Rabbit Boy!
24 November, 2003
Dear Hieronymus, gallant gent though he be, has in the past displayed a frustrating tendency to refer to his musical tastes as "eclectic", which depending on his mood, seems to mean "uniformly dismissive of anything you like" or "likes They Might Be Giants" (and I'd just call that good taste).
Personally, I have no problem admitting that my tastes are more pedestrian (I believe I used the word "girly" elsewhere). Let's take a look at the CDs I currently have with me at work, hmm?
The new albums from Fur Patrol and Zed. Both albums from Kiwi artists; both attracted me with their first single; both failed to thrill me with the rest; both now growing on me. With regard to Zed, it should be noted that no, I am not a 13-year-old girl - their sound seemed to have gone from Brit-pop imitation to something more like Semisonic, who I have a soft spot for. These spaces were recently occupied by Goldenhorse's Riverhead and Nesian Mystic's Polysaturated. Scribe may be next.
Best of Arrested Devlopment - because sometimes you just need a bit of early-90s African American empowerment R&B/hip hop/soul.
Weezer's green album - I never think of myself as a big Weezer fan, and yet I'm almost never without one or both of their blue and/or green albums. Is it the even or the odd Star Trek movies that are meant to be shit? I forget, but Weezer is either exactly like that, or exactly the opposite.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer Soundtrack - always in my CD case. Because it's a burned copy and I don't have a jewel case for it.
CD of random stuff from my relatively meagre MP3 collection including a decent amount of The Cure and that Nickelback song about "are we having fun yet?" - see above.
Bush's 16teen Stone - the album from this selection which I have the least problem admitting to owning, regardless of company. A bit rock, a bit pop, a bit alternative (since it's their first album, before Gavin got too pretty), and no goth worth their black nail polish and persecution complex could begrudge a band that covered "In a Lonely Place" for a Crow movie soundtrack.
Letters to Cleo's Go - lead singer Kay Hanley is placed fairly high on my "someday I'm gonna marry that gal" list. She did the singing for the Josie and the Pussycats movie, you know. So did Bif Naked. Coincidence? Yes.
Jack Johnson's Brushfire Fairytales - because I'm still not sick of "Flake". Yet.
Morrissey's Vauxhall and I - Now My Heart Is Full.
There you go - music collections: better than fucking tea leaves.
17 November, 2003
That's it al Qaeda -- now I'm pissed.
Sure, there's the horrible loss of innocent life and the spreading of religious fanaticism and hatred in general.
There was giving America an excuse to start a war with bullshit premises1 when there were perfectly good humanitarian reasons for giving moustache boy the boot that didn't get brought up until after the bombs started dropping, thereby demolishing the gobal buildup of goodwill towards the US brought on by September 11 (the French were on their side -- the French, for fuck's sake!)
But now, after several weeks of wondering whether I'd missed it the first time through and was going to have to watch every episode again, or indeed whether I'd imagined the whole thing2, I finally find proof that the (pre-9/11) Osama bin Laden joke was cut out of my Family Guy DVD set! Up yours al Qaeda.
And while I'm at it, up yours 20th Century Fox, you paranoid, humourless bastards.
1 I particularly liked the whole bin Laden/Hussein switcheroo, a move straight out of a Looney Tunes routine -- "Duck Season!" "Rabbit Season!" "Duck Season!" "Rabbit Season!" "Rabbit Season!" "Saddam Hussein Season!" *BLAM!* "You're dethpicable..."
2 Of course, if I had imagined it, where did I get this title from?
10 November, 2003
See, they say that if you want to write, you have to read. Mmm, zen. But they've got a point -- you have to be exposed to as many examples of your craft as possible if you expect to develop it. A person's own writing style is really little more than the specific combination of influences that they've been exposed to*. "The secret to creativity is hiding your sources" -- Einstein said that, you know. Mmm.
So I read. (A bit.) And you know what I find? Examples of writing that are so much fucking funnier than anything I could possibly come up with that my entire goddamn existence is rendered empty and futile. Looks like it's suicide again for me...
* Brainstorm: "influences that they've been exposed to"/"influenzas that they've been exposed to" -- the idea as a virus! It's a brilliant concept -- I can base all sorts of work on it. I'll just have a quick look online for some supporting -- oh, mother fuck.
9 November, 2003
When geeks overcompensate.
8 November, 2003
Swiped directly from memepool: Strangely arousing.
4 November, 2003
Oh, and have some more Fun with Flash.
4 November, 2003
The Rules are in effect and they are enumerated thusly:
- If you are riding in my car, and Justin Timberlake's "Senorita" comes on, you are required to sing along to the bit at the end.
- If you are a man, you sing the men's bit, and if you are a woman, you sing the women's bit.
- If you are the only passenger in the car, and you are a man, you sing the women's bit.
- If "Baby Boy" comes on, you may be required to do Beyoncé's bit as well.
- I sing the man's bit.
- When in the car by myself, I may or may not sing along, according to my whim.
Non-compliance with The Rules will result in sulking. That is all.
3 November, 2003
Local fish & chips chain LJ's has started selling mushy peas as a side dish. They now have signs hanging up with their new pea-advertising mascot, the Green Pea Man. "Don't mess with the Green Pea Man!" they read.
The temptation to sneak in and write "Yes, he will beat you with his Green Pea-ness!" underneath is almost more than I can bear.
31 October, 2003
The Fun with Flash continues, providing me with endless excuses for not writing anything of worth here.
29 October, 2003
Read on Slashdot this afternoon:
Traffic Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going, sir?"
Heisenberg: "No, but I know exactly where I was!"
Ah, geeks: making jokes -- WITH SCIENCE! Good on them.
28 October, 2003
Nope, still having Fun with Flash.
25 October, 2003
23 October, 2003
"tell all of my friends
(I don't have too many
just some rain-coated lovers' puny brothers)"
"Beware!
I bear more grudges
than lonely high court judges
when you sleep
I will creep
into your thoughts
like a bad debt
that you can't pay
take the easy way
and give in"
It's funny - I always assumed that The Smiths were taking the piss, but on his solo albums, Morrissey always sounds like he means it.
In other news, I was relieved to find that I can't fucking stand Kylie Minogue's new single.
23 October, 2003
I was going to put my whole site through this thing to find out which was the most evil page, but then I got bored.
This one scored 76% evil though - that's pretty evil. I guess.
17 October, 2003
I don't know who you are sir, or where you've come from sir, but you've done me a power of good.
15 October, 2003
An interesting little study in people's reactions to the anonymity supplied by the internet. Some people seem to be genuinely taking the opportunity to unburden themselves anonymously, while others use their anonymity to piss about and/or talk some bullshit about being a teenage lesbian or fucking your sister.
Anonymity cuts both ways, however: because you don't know who's making these confessions, that means it could be anybody -- maybe someone you know...
I defy anyone to read this or this or, indeed, this and then not start looking funny at their flatmates.
9 October, 2003
So Arnie's in.
It may be a perversion of democracy; it may condone misogyny and sexual assault, I don't care -- if the word "Gubernator" passes into common usage, it'll all have been worth it.
6 October, 2003
Fucking daylight savings.
There's an episode of Father Ted called "Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse" (that title alone is funnier than the full run of the last three American sitcoms I've seen). In it, Ted loses a bet and has to kick the visiting bishop in the arse. To get away with it, his idiot sidekick comes up with the "so crazy it just might work" plan of kicking him in the arse, then pretending nothing happened, because who could believe that a priest would kick a bishop in the arse -- it's just unbelievable.
So anyway, I stayed up all last night watching new music channel C4's top 100 music videos of all time. Let's just look at that for a second -- I, a poor sleeper in the best of circumstances, stayed up til midnight on Sunday, when I have to get up and go to work the next morning, and on the weekend when daylight savings starts, costing me another hour on top of everything else. And yet I got out of bed this morning feeling better rested that I normally do on a Monday morning. I can only assume that I was so blatant in my disregard for my body's need for sleep that it reacted like Bishop Brennan, unable to believe that what happened to it really happened.
Thing is though, at the end of the episode, Bishop Brennan finally realises "he did! He did kick me in the arse!" and comes storming back to Craggy Island to exact revenge.
I am currently averaging four typos per sentence as I type this and badgers have shit in my head. In my head!
Fucking daylight savings.
4 October, 2003
It's a giraffe...
...and it's a PEZ dispenser.
What a time to be alive.
3 October, 2003
That's so crazy it just might work.