Good Shit Rules
Good Shit Rules
Just like with horror movies, there are certain rules in Good Shit. And since obsessing over them seemed to do well for Scream (the first one, anyway - not the crappy sequels), I might as well list those that spring to mind. Note, however, that these are general descriptive rules, not prescriptive guidelines that should always be followed - all of these rules can be broken to good effect (and are, from time to time). Let's start with the obvious:
Rule 1: Ethnicity is death. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Hollywood - alarmingly racist, isn't it? It's a lamentable fact that for the longest time the rule has been that only the white-toothed, fair-haired lantern-jawed/large-breasted (depending on gender) Americans survive until the end of the film. Even when they go to the trouble of creating a fully ethically diverse supporting cast (see Deep Rising), it's always gonna be Whitey who lives to see the end credits.
Fortunately this is changing (witness Anaconda, Deep Blue Sea, Pitch Black), which apart from being better in a political sense, also keeps we viewers guessing quite nicely. Hurrah.
Rule 2: Stupidity is death. "Oh no, we're being attacked by monsters - I'll just run off by myself, shrieking like a little girl and get myself killed, most likely fucking things up for the smarter members of the cast in the process." So many dumbasses, so few bullets. This applies to movies as well.
Rule 3: The wages of sin is death: Let's be blunt, this primarily applies to sex. The slutty (i.e. has sex at any point in the film) woman buys it, the virginal chaste one doesn't. Can be extended to other sinful activities - cowardice (see also Rule 2), betrayal, jealousy, whatever - only the goody-goodies come out breathing.
Rule 4: Being the third wheel is death. How many times has it looked like three people have made it through to the end (invariably two guys and one woman), only to have the monster pop up again at the last minute, off the odd man out, then get shot in the mouth with a flare gun by Peter Weller, leaving only a happy couple1? Perhaps it's some sort of morality statement - no kinky threesomes here, thank you, we're good Christian monogamists. Maybe not, I dunno.
Rule 5: Being in a zombie movie is death. Everyone dies in zombie movies. Well, the good ones, anyway. Well, the original good ones. OK, fuck this rule.
Rule 6: Being fat is death. Probably something to do with the sin factor - gluttony is bad or some such. Whatever the reason, if you're chubby, you're chowder. Try a few situps now and then, fatso.
Rule 7: Redemption through violence/death. Funny one this - see, sometimes the nominal hero of a piece has to die to make up for nasty things they've done earlier. Some sort of noble sacrifice to make up for the shitty things they've done before. Generally you get this when one of the characters is one of those tarnished anti-hero types who at the start of the film is ready to knock off the others to save their own arse, but by the end has learnt the value of human life. Just in time to lose theirs. Pitch Black adds an interesting sub-clause, though - you only have to redeem yourself for the stuff you do in the actual course of the film.
Rule 8: The meek shall inherit the Earth. Why is it that the annoying little kids and helpless2 virginal women survive, while the manly men always get it - what would Darwin say? Except for in Mimic - take that you buck-toothed little twat! Infanticide - it's not just for Eskimos3!
That about sums it up. Well, apart from one that's so obvious it almost goes without saying - let's call it...
Rule 0: Evil is death. The bad guy always gets it - that's just common sense. If the bad guy is a scientist who created the monster, they die at the hands/teeth/mandibles of their monster. Anyone who represents a large corporation is evil (unless they've been lied to by their higher-ups).
1OK, so that's just Leviathan - but it's not the only example by a long shot. Honest.
2Not that all women are helpless, mind - it's just that the ones that live are.