Greetings, children.
Within these pages you will, through the rigours of mouse-clicking faith, find that which you seek. These 'pages' are simply manifestations of those things you feel deep within your own very hearts.
So seek and you shall find. Go and you shall arrive. Bugger off and stop annoying me. I have altar servers to... chastise.
Bishop Jamie was diagnosed with glandular fever during a checkup earlier in the week by the Church witch doctor. As this is a serious affliction, the Pope is calling for the congregation to undergo grotesquely thorough medical checkups. He will be in attendance dressed in a nurse’s uniform purely to assist the medical staff.
While the threat of contagion should by no means be taken lightly, the medical staff say it is unlikely to have spread far if at all, as only those who have been in direct salival contact with Bishop Jamie are at risk.
We all know how seriously the Bishop, known as the most prodigious man-slut of the new millennium for some reason, takes his vows of chastity and celibacy. Jamie, who denies rumours that he once systematically pleasured the entire church over a period of 73 hours because "I was bored and they were kinda cute" was unavailable for comment, as he is currently in quarantine, being ably ministered to by every female congregant in the church.
Since the Pope's impassioned plea at last week's service, there has been a 36% decrease in cannibalism amongst parishoners. Congratulations, everybody!
Fashion conscious members of the congregation have been admiring the dapper new Atomic/Bacterial/Chemical environment suit Sanctus Jack has taken to wearing at all times. Although his voice is quite muffled through the gas mask, the blessed Jack explains his new sartorial choice as being "To sterilise me! I have been infected with the numbing terror of human strangeness! Stained! Tainted by sickness! You’re all dirty! Your minds are abscesses of atrocity and stupidity! The fiiiilllth!"
The Pope would like to remind the lesser Deacons that this is not a democracy, and that all further attempts at revolution will be met with stern and decisive buggerings.
Cardinal Hewligan was once again found huddled under the pulpit dressed only in a vomit stained Union Jack, openly weeping as he quietly sung pornographic parodies of famous Brittney Spears songs.
As he was escorted from the premises by Church storm troopers, he was heard to mutter "You can't stop me, you know. I've found it. The lost abomination of elder distillation. I can metabolise ham into alcohol. I am Godlike.
I'll show you all..." before lapsing into a coma from which he has yet to wake.
Parishioners curious as to the whereabouts of Cardinal Darmeus will be delighted to know that we have received a postcard from him, return addressed from the 23rd Perpendicular Intersect of the Superreality. He reports that one of his mystical experiments into the flux state of Fluidic Heresy went unspeakably right, and he has been tossed through the neon darkness of the hyper real ever since.
The Cardinal reports that he has fallen in with a paramilitary cadre of chaos magician guerrillas waging metapoetic war against unspeakable horror gods, and may not be home for at least a couple more days.
Much to the disgust of the Papacy, Bishop Leslie has taken residence (again) in the United States of America, ostensibly to study law. Our thoughts and commiserations go out to her; get better soon.
Mortimer T Vicar reports on the long awaited results of his experiments injecting crack into cute little bunny rabbits.
"Just as funny as I expected," he told reporters before being chased from the press conference by representatives of the SPCA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, and the FBI.
Ostracised by the scientific community once his findings revealed no practical, or even comprehensible reasons for his experiments, which a commission of enquiry has dubbed "[U]nethical to a degree unheard of in even the most sexually sadistic of hillbilly prisons” the Vicar is dedicating himself to his second love - film making.
Having received good reviews for his first documentary, "Mortimer T Vicar kidney punches an endangered Caribbean Manatee", he is hard at work at what he describes as a sweeping historical love saga: "Mortimer T Vicar hits a monkey in the face with a claw hammer."
Many have been wondering as to the reason behind last weeks unprovoked attack on Car(di)nal Fang, where, you may recall, Pope Xander pounced upon the good Car(di)nal and beat him viscously for over three quarters of an hour, before the rather belated intervention of the Neo-Catholic Emancipated Gentlewomen's League.
Pressed for an explanation, a visibly shaken Pope explained that during his routine "stocktake" of the personal belongings of the diocese, he had stumbled across Fang's diary. He refused to elaborate on what was found therein, but was heard to shriek "My mother is a fine upstanding woman, you bastard!" whenever Fang's name was mentioned.
After meditation and prayer, his Eminence has realised that such violence is never the answer, and he unreservedly apologises for what he acknowledges was an "unchivalric" amount of time dedicated to the Car(di)nal's testicular region during the attack.
Bishop Grisham wishes to advise the faithful that stocks of transgender baby-clothing are up, up, up. The Bishop, noted for his canary-yellow suits and authentic nipples, has been recently trawling the nation's capital for new stock for the 'Grisham Langston Foundation for Fashion Re-education.' 'People give generously, especially when you add rohypnol to their drinks,' the founder said, speaking from his new minimum security cell. Bishop Langston is now seeking a trifling sum re: his bail.
Less recent news of interest to Neo-Catholics is available here: The Not-so-current News from the Parish
We recommend, for your centrifugal delights, the use of:
for your viewing pleasures.
Pay your respects to the old guard and his compatriot who steadfastly stood against the tide of non-existence.
'The Manifesto of Self-Revocation' is (K) 2001 to No One in Particular, Especially Hieronymus Oliphant Ransome, The Blessed Jack, Cardinal Hewligan, Pope Xander Teilhard de Chardin (MHM), Cardinal Darmeus, Matthew Richard Xavier Xander Xanthias Xerxes Xanatos Dentith, Car(din)al Fang, Mor(timer) T(imothy), Vicar, Killarney Poppet, Esq. and Archimedes Savant. No Rights Reserved Whatsoever.