The Best Sex
The Best Sex
I'm of the generation that lived through the sexual revolution of the '60's (make love not war), the "me" generation of the '70's (drop out and find yourself), and the yuppie generation of the '80's (get rich to get happy). I must say my actual participation was as more of a "Jesus freak", and limited to the three years between the '60's & '70's while I was at university... And I don't regret some of the perspective those years gave me, it made me think about why I did things... In my day "straights" meant middle-class white - the status quo - whom we saw as being all discipline and no love... But I saw for myself that throwing away discipline meant that love also failed in the long term - no rules meant no safety - we need both - and I think this is what largely killed the hippy movement.
But I believe that these were the three generations that turned the western world around, throwing off the last of the Judeo-Christian influences on popular culture. There were those who believed this would be a good thing - those who felt that religion produced pain, that God was someone who waved a big stick in the sky to make us afraid and spoil all our fun, that religion is an invention of the powers-that-be to create compliant workers and consumers.
There could be a few elements of truth here, phariseeism being as rife today as it was in the year 0. But blaming this on God instead of man-made religion, and rejecting him and his ways, means we no longer have lasting objective checks on harmful behaviour. It is plain to see that taking God out of the picture has not made life easier and better. There is more pain and trouble than ever, both on a personal level, and world-wide. Divorce, debt, depression and disasters are normal, unlike in my younger days. The fairy-tale hopes of 'happy ever after' seem just that - despite it being the dearest wishes of children and parents, and the pursuit of happiness being written into the American constitution! I've never seen that as a particularly worthy goal - it's too self-centred, and dependant on outward circumstances - a grey or anxious day has the power to make us feel unhappy.
Now why should it be a surprise that God invented sex? How else could we fill his command to "Be fruitful and increase in number"? (Genesis 1:27-28) and it is written in his book that "Marriage is fully valued, and the bed morally clean: but those who exchange sex for money, and adulterers God will judge." (Hebrews 13:4) God is clearly happy about us enjoying each other physically: "Let your fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of your youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant doe; let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and be ravished regularly with her love." (Proverbs 5:18-19) It should also be clear to anyone that unrestrained, uncontrolled, selfish sexual activity is unhealthy, and is not what God had in mind. "For this is the will of God, your being different from the crowd: that you should refrain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to control yourself in purity and honor, not in a passion of lust, like the peoples who do not know God." (1 Thes. 4:3-5)
Why does God condemn these behaviours? It certainly is not because he's a kill-joy, or spoil-sport! No, the laws he gave are clearly for our good. It really does figure that because he made us, he should know what works best for us! It isn't hard to see that these activities cause harm, and much pain to many people - talk to child prostitutes, to the children of broken families, to unborn babies who get STD's, to name the most vulnerable. So God does put fear of punishment into the equation - pain is a strong deterrent for bad behaviour, when common sense and caring for others isn't enough.
Without even needing to refer to moral rules, it can be seen that what God tells us is right. He made us, and was pleased with all he had made. He loves us to death, and is committed to giving us a life of love and joy. King David said in Psalm 16:11; "You will show me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Then, went things went badly wrong after mankind decided to "do their own thing", Jesus, God's son, gave his life on the cross to take the punishment for our wrongdoing, when we ask him to. It was Jesus who said: "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it super-abundantly." (John 10:10) And it was said of him: "...to him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy..." (Jude 1:24)
Looking at the sexual relationship in this light, it's not hard to see why God asks us to be faithful to our partner. There are numbers of issues that can be examined.
Sex is the most physically involved that two people can become. Combining this with mental and emotional involvement, it is a powerful package, the greatest pleasure we can have naturally and wholesomely on this earth! The level of trust that we have in each other rises with how much we can let down our guard - how much we believe they really care about us. It's having a real, deep, trusting relationship that makes sex great. Because the more you feel accepted, the freer you become to be yourself, without having to think "how should I act/ be?" Self absorption is a killer for good sex, both for the relationship's sake; and because you are working with your mind, it doesn't give your body a chance to flow naturally.
As you get to know each other, and continue to put more into the relationship, (your love bank!) the level of trust improves - and so your enjoyment and release also increases. In a stable, long-term relationship, as you grow in trust - sex keeps changing, and getting better. This is why I feel that I feel the best sex is with the one you really trust, the one you are really committed to, and seen to be committed to - before everyone, and I believe in the spiritual sense as well... And this means a church leader, the bride and groom, and can include the beautiful white dress, the ceremony and the celebration which is so popular these days.
What is the alternative? The popular imagination might say that having just one partner means you will miss out. You may think there is something to be envied in living like the legendary Don Juan, making love to a hundred different women. But I think it will all be much the same with each, because the level of trust is so low. Because that's the way we are made, it would still be a pleasant expecience, but not especially satisfying... In fact, there are people that can get addicted to sex - I guess, always trying to get a `buzz', but satisfied less and less, which is the way most addictions work. I would imagine that any self-centred sexual activity could quickly become an unsatisfying and addictive habit.
There are a number of aspects in our Western culture that pull us away from God's ideas. Evolutionary ideas class us as animals, and some creatures are noticably promiscuous. But then some are monogamous too, keeping the same partner for their life-time.
Our consumer mentality means we're always looking out for a better deal - and this can cross over into looking for a better partner. But people are not animals, nor consumer goods. We are incredibly complex, even mysterious beings. No-one understands themselves completely, science does not even understand our physical selves fully. To God, we are precious, worth the life of his own Son.
Sex has been designed to bring two people together in the most intimate way - to "become one body" as the Bible says. Changing this pattern, even in your imagination, can create complications your psyche can't cope with, and can release forces beyond your control. Those who have been the victims of sexual attack and abuse feel this, and will, for a start, need to stand against evil influences that come against them mentally. Getting all the good counselling help, prayer and support, is a must, for any who have an unhealthy and uncontrollable sexual lifestyle.
For most of us, sex is a strong urge, but God can help you keep it under control. There is a process we can go through to turn the tide, if we are concerned about our attitudes.
Begin by spelling out on paper, or in prayer, the behaviours and attitudes that worry you about yourself.
God says that he will forgive when you confess what you've done wrong. And more than that, he will cleanse you from all wrong-doing. (1 John 1:9)
You would think that being freed from guilt and fear of punishment, and the power of wrong desires, should make us grateful enough to pursue God's ways. Unfortunately, repeated wrong-doing becomes a habit that's hard to break, and will eventually make us hard and uncaring. To break this pattern, you may need to change the way you think - and find out what God thinks about it.
To do this well, get somewhere quiet where you won't be disturbed, and admit clearly to God what you've been doing. Then try asking God to tell you how he sees it - and be still enough in your thoughts to let his quiet voice rise up inside you. This can sometimes be enough, but you can also make a strong statement: "I don't want this, God. I stand with you, inside myself, to resist it with my whole heart!"
You could also try asking for forgiveness for any in your family line have been involved in (this activity)... Pray, "I stand against any evil influences that have affected me, and I forgive any of my ancestors for their weakness in participating in this wrong-doing". You can ask others to pray for you, that are mature in their faith and knowledge of God. You can even go without food for a few days, under their direction, to help focus your energy on this strong prayer. It can work for other areas of your life as well!
Good sex is about just two people, alone, as it was in the beginning, under the covering of marriage, so there is no sense of guilt. It is designed for a man and a woman caring deeply for each other, with no demeaning, no demanding. It will become a delightful dance that lasts for life, strengthening and deepening your most significant human relationship. It also ensures the continuation of the human race!
As well as the issue of trust and the greater intimacy this can produce, their are other advantages to having just the one sexual partner throughout life. If you don't have anyone to compare with, you will appreciate more what you have... (unless you read and believe too many rubbishy romance novels!) You will be glad that someone would be willing to give you such pleasure, that you can give the same to them at the same time. It will cement your relationship in a way that nothing else can do.
But wrong attitudes to romance, attraction and infatuation can play havoc with your relationship if you don't understand what is going on...
What does this have to do with sex?
The clearest issue is the concept of trust.
Temptation can be resisted.
Is it worth it to wait, to be faithful?
Romance can be created.Romance has so much to do with the excitement of the unknown. How well do you know even yourself? We can never come to a full understanding of anyone, even if we think we can by deliberately limiting one another. I like to think of people as a country we are slowly discovering. Exploration can be exhilarating, because of the element of danger. In a relationship, there is danger of conflict, when we tread unknown territory. This may be in exploring pains of the past, or dreams for the future. In any conflict, while we take the path of learning, of disclosing - rather than of hiding and defending - the potential for growth is enormous. Growth means an increased ability to love more freely, and is therefore very valuable. It is an unusual path to romance, but worth the risk! Even trying simple things that break routine can add to the excitement of living together. I read of a couple whose sex life was ignited by changing the side of the bed they slept on! Romance does not need to be difficult, or the traditional hearts, flowers and chocolate. Try a hot tub by candlelight, a tent in the wilderness, reading out loud to each other, a change in the usual pattern of "how often"... Even delightful aroma's can help relax you. Try jasmine and sandlewood. Distract yourself from worrying about "results" and take time to enjoy the journey... Make a compromise on "how often" would suit each other, and allow a little lee-way when circumstances warrant it. Use common sense, and remember that showing care and thoughtfulness to each other is the best spice!
Infatuation can be best described as making someone into a mental image to suit you own needs. You'll know you are infatuated if you mostly are thinking about what you feel, rather than what a relationship with you would give the other person, and how it would affect them and all others involved.
Attractions are a bit more involved, as they can be mutual. Attraction will draw you to people, (lots of people throughout your life...) but it's usually a very shallow thing, and can change quite quickly - not a good basis for a lifetime relationship. Yet sometimes it seems that we think our feelings shouldn't be denied.
Emotions are valuable indicators of what is, but they are not infallible... To express this more clearly: emotions as well as thoughts are valuable, but not infallible indicators of what is good for us... We shouldn't give them the glory of ruling our lives completely... That sounds like a recipe for chaos! There is some idea that we are attracted to those who remind us of our unmet needs and the unresolved hurts of our past. You hear of women who marry alcoholics like their father, get divorced, and then marry another alcoholic. We can scorn this, put it down to wanting what is familiar, yet the positive side of this is that we can work to resolve and heal the past, if we learn a different, more mature way of reacting to it. Get the help you need spiritually, psychologically and physically. It could take a while to fix, if it took a long time to create the problem. Learn to appreciate small steps toward wholeness, I know that even if no-one else values your efforts, God, your creator and first parent, will. And eternity will prove this to you, if you open your heart to the life he has paid so dearly to gain for you.
It may be that your partner does not share your beliefs, and it is their choice to go or stay with you, just as you would like it to be for you. However, there is no sense in living with someone who is abusing you, you can make it clear that there is a limit, that you will separate until steps are taken to change. The Bible recommends that you should stay together, but if you separate, you should stay single or be reconciled. Divorce is only an option in the case of strong sexual sins such as adultery and incest. The Greek uses "porneia", from which we get pornography, and also implies idolatry, a kind of spiritual adultery. Divorce is not something to be entered into quickly or lightly, for purely emotional reasons. Emotions can change very fast when behaviours change.
One of the attitudes that will help you to take things more peacefully, is to let go of the unrealistic goal of happiness, and settle for something much more achievable - contentment.
Value Contentment.Contentment is a bigger goal, which allows that waiting can make us appreciate more what we have. It is satisfied and thankful with a life that cruises along, mostly on the plus, but only occasionally on the peaks. It expects a few ups and downs, and grey days in marriage, and in life. It allows that trials can mature us, that suffering can make us less selfish. It expects that life is a matter of give and take. It expects us to play a part in creating a healthy family, and society. Contentment means that when we express ourselves according to the best that is in us, we will give others the greatest blessing. It allows that creating happiness in others is a great buzz! Like the good book says: having "good attitudes to God and contentment is mega wealth! For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and clothing let us be content with this." (1 Tim. 6:6-8)
Real religion is about love.The fact is, our idea of religion is often not the same as God's. As it says in his book: "Clean and clear religion before God the Father is this, to watch out for the fatherless and widows in their trials, and to guard themselves from being polluted by the world." (James 1:27). God's idea of law is to have us love each other, for "love does no harm to its neighbour, therefore love fulfils the law..." (Romans 13:10). The love this is talking about is not the love of sexual pleasure, or of romantic feelings. It is the kind of love that cares about others as much as self. And "God's laws are for our good, to give us a great life..." (Deuteronomy 6:4) Real religion is not a set of prescribed procedures laid down in a dusty book, but it is about the best way to form and maintain healthy relationships. "... not of the letter, but of the spirit: for the letter kills, but the Spirit makes us come alive." (2 Cor. 3:6) Life is more than great sex, it is about love, which is what makes sex great! But love is much greater, encompassing life on this earth and the next. This is the kind of love that God is about:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It doesn't envy, it doesn't boast, it isn't proud. It's not rude, it isn't self-seeking, it's not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Cor. 13:4-8)
"And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who lives in love lives in God, and God in him." (1 John 4:16) "We love Him because He first loved us." (1 John 4:19)
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Cor. 13:13)
~= Love One Another =~