So tell me about your early life -- what was it like growing up?
Yeah, it was ok being a goat herder on the plains of Mongolia. We milked our goats, rode our horses, and lived in our tents. It was a good life!
I don't believe that you grew up as a Mongolian goat herder! You're lying aren't you?
Everything I say is true. I never lie.
Ok, sure... moving right along. Next question. How big are you?
Oh, this is a question that I've been asked by a few guys. Let's just say that I'm a big boy... I can dress myself, and can even feed myself without requiring the use of a bib, and it's great being able to go to the big person's toilet!
My god man! You're think you're quite the comedian, don't you?
Why, yes. Yes I do. In fact, I'll bet you a dollar that I can make even Grumpy McGrumpyson from Grumpyville laugh.
What the hell? I oughta kick your ass. But I'd get into trouble. So, the question that several people have asked is, are you cut or uncut?
Oh! This one's an easy one. Uncut. I'm scared of scissors.
Hmm. Unique answer. Next question. What sort of man do you tend to be attracted to?
Oh, I'm easy. Any guy will do really -- skanks and hoes! Isn't that normal?
You've been a singleton for a while now. When do you see yourself dating again?
When money grows on trees, when people like bees... Oh, sorry, just thinking of that song. Yeah. Ummm, what was the question again? Oh yeah. When will I start dating again? Don't know really. When I'm ready to I suppose!
Is the customer always right?
Yes, the customer is always right. Even when the customer is wrong.
So is it true that New Zealanders have a hard-to-understand accent?
I cahnt say thit's true. Us Neeuw Zullanders hev a pritty easy to undastand ecksent, I thunk. We spik normelly.
Sorry? What was that again? I couldn't understand what you were saying. Oh... never mind, on with the interview. It's another sex related question, I'm afraid! What's your favourite position in bed?
Curled up in a foetal position, with my thumb in my mouth, pondering why the world is so full of idiots.
You poor, sad little man! Shall we continue? Do you have any words of wisdom to share with our readers?
I sure do. Be sure to floss and brush twice a day, and don't eat baked beans before going to bed. Your teddy bears will appreciate it.
To be continued...