RESPECTABLE OCCUPATIONS

While working for the xtra helpdesk, I was often bored to tears on calls from stupid customers who didn't know how to "connect to emails". After giving an instruction, it was often a long wait for them to interpret the instruction into stupid, execute the instruction, and give the grunt indicating they had done something (usually not the right thing) and were ready for the next instruction. During this time I would often browse the internet, walk away and get a cup of tea or milo, play cards and talk to my friends.

One day I was browsing the internet, and I came across a website that claimed that "unless you're a secret agent, a vampire hunter, an astronaut, or all three, you're probably a sell out." This statement was mightily agreed upon by myself. But there are several other occupations that I would class as respectable. I decided to make a list, starting with the three above:

Respectable occupations:

• Secret Agent
There's no denying it - these guys are cool. All they do all day is decipher and send secret codes to each other and at night they go to expensive parties with a hot chick. But when they say they're just going to have a look around outside, what they're actually doing is stealling the milliionaire's nuclear warhead plans. This invariabley turns to custard as soon as he steals them, and he must make a getaway in his Mclaren F1.

• Vampire Hunter
These guys are so dedicated to slaying vampires, they spend their whole lives training and doing sit-ups so they can hunt down and eliminate a genetically superior race - vampires. They sometimes work by day as chartered accountants to cover their night time vampire hunting profession. They do not sleep.

• Astronaut
Kudos to any man who can safely land on the sun, like astronauts have. These guys train like 90 hours a day and have attained almost robotic perfection.

• Navy SEAL (or international equivalent, eg commando, SAS, green beret)
The elite of the armed forces. The armed forces take their 100 toughest guys, and make them fight to the death in a pit until only one is left, and he still has to pass a hard maths test to become a navy seal. Mrs Philp says they can do pull-ups on one finger.

• Ninja/Assassin
Ninjas are invisible, you can't see them until you are dead and then they vanish into the night. They use magic and I read on a website that they can fly. The same website says that a ninja was in a diner and a boy dropped a spoon so the ninja killed the whole town. Assassins are the same, except use modern weapons like sniper rifles with bayonnets on them to shoot their victim from the top of a skyscraper.

• Chartered Accountant
These guys make heaps of money. And almost always, they are just covering for their night time jobs as ninjas, vampire hunters and superheros.

• Weapon Systems Developer
Imagine a job where all you do it sit on your ass all day and think of more efficient ways of killing people and blowing up stuff. That's what these guys do.

• Circus knife-thrower/Acrobat
Highly skilled and deadly, knife throwers and acrobats command the total respect of all the circus performers and sideshow freaks, without exception.

• Army Drill Sergeant
These guys are paid to yell at people and piss them off. Every day, they get to wake people up and yell at them, make them run and follow behind with a whip, yelling at them. If you look at one of these guys wrong, you're in for a whole pile of getting yelled at.

• Superhero
Superheros kick ass for a living. The only downside to being a superhero, is that you often have to have your parents die, so that you have motivation to become a chartered accountant and use the money to fund your high tech secret bat cave, full of weapons, fast cars and tasty food. It is a known fact that every town that has an active superhero on patrol, is 300% safer than another town of the same size.

• Q-lab type Scientist/Gadget Inventor for Secret Agents
The Q-lab scientist is always devising new ways to unleash secret death upon the secret agent and superhero's unsuspecting enemies. Want some chewing gum? Whoosh! It's actually a flame-thrower! How about a jar of chutney to go with that picnic? Kaboom! It's actually a nuclear warhead! These guys get cooler every day and they know it.

• Sorcerer
I don't mean the lame "kid's party tricks and juggling balls" kind of magician, I mean the real deal, fireball-throwing, lightning-crackling conjurer of demons. These guys live in their secret labs high in the mountains, experimenting with magic and learning new spells. They often own dungeons that stupid vigilante tough guys blunder through and get killed by one of the deadly traps or vicious monsters.

• Pirate
Pirates are the sourge of the ocean, and will keel-haul anyone who says otherwise. They have eye-patches and cutlasses, and won't hesitate to board your ship, steal your bullion and pieces o'eight, and make you walk the plank all in the same day.