McGSP 1999 Manifesto Contents

These policies have (allegedly) been sold to whichever party would pay in a shameless pre-election fund raising drive. We take no responsibility for how they may be implemented.

Privatisation of fisheries (ACT party).

All current fish will be tagged and numbered. Ownership of individual fish will be transferred from Quota holders to private individuals, thus ensuring a genuine free-market in fishing. When a tagged fish is caught the fisher may enter into a negotiation process with the owner to either settle a sale price, pay the fisher for the costs of catching the fish and transporting it to the owner for consumption, or for the release of the fish unharmed should the owner insist on this. Should the fish suffer damage while in the care of the fisher, the owner may seek redress through the courts.

Newborn, untagged fish will be assigned to owners in turn as they are caught according to a register of citizens kept for each species. In order to maintain a free-market owners will not be allowed to transfer the ownership of fish to anyone other than the fish themselves, in which case negotiations will take place directly between the fish and the fisher. Police numbers will be massively increased to prevent fishers negotiating contracts with fish kept under duress, or failing to report the catching of fish to owners.

Financial Advice On Surviving the millennial bug (NZ First Party).

In order to crisis proof your savings from the technological collapse that the Y2K bug will bring, draw all of your money out of the bank now (if you leave it till December, the Banks won’t have enough money left to give you). Also, sell all your assets and buy gold bullion. In the last week of December, sell the gold (at massively inflated prices as everyone tries to safeguard their savings in this way) and purchase a generator, a tanker of fuel, a large secure coolstore, and mountains of good quality chocolate biscuits. For the next few months you will have the only supply of freely convertible chocolate biscuits, which will be an increasingly desirable commodity, and for which people will be prepared to pay or do almost anything.(1)

Artistic licence (Labour Party).

Artists can draw the artistic benefit, the amount of which is three times the unemployment benefit. The artist will not be hassled on to a work scheme, so long as they produce one piece of work per year (allowances will be made for artistic blocks).

Education (National Party).

A minimum of three teachers per classroom. Two are for restraining the pupils, the other is for teaching.

Realistic school mottos like “work is heck” and “Life is short, be careful”.

Because teaching is 90% entertainment, and 10% knowledge, teachers will be trained as entertainers. They will need a minimum one year of busking experience after obtaining their degree before qualifying.

Environment (Future New Zealand).

There has been too much talk about animal rights and not enough about animal responsibilities. The continued destruction of the native forest by introduced animals in totally unacceptable. Any species found damaging native flora will be given long jail sentences. If they reoffend, then they will be deported back to where they came from.

(1) Don’t tell anyone else about this. The success of this scheme relies on you being the only one.