First draft. still needs a lot of work. All constructive comments appreciated. NB This is from the CD so the track names appear in the script at the moment - this is just an aide memoire and will disappear when the thing gets cleaner. I may have missed GRAMS/FX or written one in place of the other. Help much appreciated Not sure how to transcribe the (frequent) gibberish and mumbling. This is, as I say, a first effort. Now read on... The Silent Bugler 14-The Silent Bugler_ The BBC presents Vintage Goons Greenslade: The BBC presents vintage goons, another in the series of programmes first broadcast to British listeners in 1954. Any questions? No. Very well then, we present agents Sellers Secombe and Milligan inÖ Secombe: The Goon Show [maniacal laughter] Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen today in the American Senate, Senator Vanderschmidt said Vanderschmidt: mumblemumble Ö theres more Ö house of Un-American activitiesÖ wide screen Ö multicolour Ö Jane Mansfield Ö the Russian attack on East ManitobaÖ Greenslade: And he continued by saying Vanderschmidt: ÖmumblesÖ Greenslade: Which concluded his speech. Then on March the Third in our house of commons at four oíclock the prime minister saidÖ Prime Minister: Tea? Greenslade: These everyday exchanges in our political circles are made known to us all by the daily newspapers. But what of the secret services? Milligan? [Indian]: Yes indeed what of them? What of them man? Unknown to us the secret services are striving powers in a constant battle, man. Move and countermove, plot and counterplot. Sellers: We give you now the story of only one minute fragment in this mosaic of political intrigue. Take the case of Agent X 15-The Silent Bugler_ I am X2 Seagoon: I am X2. ORCH: Fanfare Seagoon: My mission started when I was called to HQ MI5. Iíd hardly got on board the train for London when I had the uneasy feeling I was being watched. FX: Sliding door Conductor: All tickets please Seagoon: Tickets? Oh. He he he. Oh yes Conductor: Ere. This is a platform ticket Seagoon: Thatís right I always travel by platform Conductor: come on now mate, come on now matey, whereís your ticket there? Seagoon: ha ha I was just joking. There we are Conductor: Ere, wait a minute. This ticketís from Piccadilly to Hyde Park Seagoon: Yes I know, a very easy journey, I often make it, you know Conductor: Ere my good man donít mess me about Ďere. Seagoon: Hah, itís an old Welsh joke. Now, there, my ticket. Conductor: Ere, this, this Ďere ticket was issued in nineteen ho two Seagoon: Really? Gad, weíre running late Conductor: And its for the Brighton to London stagecoach Seagoon: Well? Conductor: Well this Ďaint a stagecoach mate Seagoon: You mean this train isnít horse drawn? Conductor: Nah Seagoon: I demand my money back. You charlatan you! I I I want toÖ Conductor: Wait a minute here you canít fool me about with all that clever talk mate you gotta pay for the ticket. Now where did you get on? Seagoon: Curse, the games up. Well now what was that last station? Conductor: Thung Junction Seagoon: Thatís it, thatís it thatís where I got on Conductor: but we didnít stop there Seagoon: Do you think it was easy? Conductor: Look, whereíre you going to? Seagoon: The next station Conductor: Right thatíll be eighteen shillings and thruppence Seagoon: Right there we are Conductor: Thank you Seagoon: (?You can leave that?). Fool. Little does he know that the real fare is not eighteen and thruppence but thirty two pounds six shillings Conductor: Little does he know that Iím nothing to do with the railway at all. 16-The Silent Bugler_ Thus Seagoon arrived at HQ MI5 with the wind behind him Greenslade: Thus Seagoon arrived at HQ MI5 with the wind behind him FX: Door 'M': Aaaah, come in, come in X2 Seagoon: Thank you sir 'M': X2, you know you know you know what we want you for Seagoon: No? 'M': Oh. Donít go away, weíll think of something. Aaaaaaah. Have you ever been to Russia? Seagoon: No. 'M': Oh. Ever been to Moscow? Seagoon: Yes. 'M': Thatíll do. Er, Colonel Spondle Clacknutt, will you explain to him Colonel: Yes well we have reason to believe that the Russians have perfected a time machine. With it they could go forward into the future. Do you see? And once there theyíll build planes that will travel faster than the speed of light. Theyíve got to be stopped doing such a thing. You are the man for the job. Seagoon: Oh! Ta. Colonel: Thank you. Now are you married? Seagoon: no, sir Colonel: understandable, I suppose. I would go on this mission myself but itís, well, itís too dangerous you know. Seagoon: You mean IÖ I might get killed Colonel: with a bit of luck, yes 'M': The Colonel is joking. X2 follow me Seagoon: Right FX: Door 'M': in here. Ah, Mr., Mr. Crun Crun: Morning 'M': Morning. Crun: Morning 'M': Morning. This is X2 would you tell him about the Russian intelligence er the Russian intelligence Seagoon: morning Crun: Morning Seagoon: Captain Hairy Seagoon at your service sir Crun: Yes captain service, now here is a photo of the Russian master spy Igor Blimey. Heís escaped from every prison camp in Europe Seagoon: Thereís nothing on this photograph Crun: Heís escaped again! Never mind. Next, next there is the most hated man in Russia Seagoon: Who Crun: Jack Benny Seagoon: They too, eh? Poor wretches Crun: ah, they too, but ahhaahhhh now the most deadly agent of them all. They call him the silent bugler Seagoon: The silent bugler? Crun: Yes nobody has ever seen him but here is a rare record of him. Just listen GRAMS: silent record Seagoon: I canít hear anything Crun: Thatís him! The Silent Bugler. If you ever hear nothing like that, look out! 17-The Silent Bugler_ With that warning ringing in my teeth Seagoon: With that warning ringing in my teeth I spent the next three weeks and two days training under Major Bloodnok ORCH: Bloodnok theme Bloodnok: Oooohhhh me Arles, me arles. Oh me poor old arles Seagoon: Ö.unintelligibleÖ Bloodnok: Thank you. Now lad, training Seagoon: They tell me that during the last war you were taken prisoner. Bloodnok: Yes, yes but I escaped. Seagoon: Where from? Bloodnok: Dartmoor. Seagoon: Oh. Bloodnok: First of all disguises. Black your face with this burnt cork. Thatís it. Now put on this straw hat. Now just take this banjo. There, you look marvellous. Seagoon: You think itíll fool the Russians? Bloodnok: The Russians? You idiot, youíll never fool Ďem in that lot! Take it off! Itís a good job you came to me. Seagoon: You can stand by me to rely on you Bloodnok: Thud! Oh thud! Russians, you say? Well well well. Well in that case you definitely need to appear inconspicuous, I have the very outfit. Stand by to check. Seagoon: Right Bloodnok: One ginger beard with detachable bells Seagoon: Yes Bloodnok: one pair of reversible plastic socks easily convertible into dog cardigan Seagoon: Brilliant Bloodnok: One pair of false cardboard skis. One wicker teapot with underwater escape apparatus Seagoon: Right Bloodnok: One rubber dagger Seagoon: Whatís the use of a rubber dagger? Bloodnok: well we donít want to shed blood needlessly you know Seagoon: ÖgibberishÖ London Bloodnok: Thun! Now finance. Three thousand lira in rupees payable in pesetas at any Mongolian bank whilst wearing tennis shoes in a thunderstorm under fire from rocket batteries Seagoon: Youíve thought of everything. Bloodnok: of course! Now the sensitivity test. I shall just blindfold you, so. Now I want you to tell me what Iím doing, right? Seagoon: Sir! Bloodnok: Good. Seagoon: Erm youíre taking my gold ring off my finger Bloodnok: Yes yes yes yes Seagoon: Now youíre removing my gold watch. And fountain pens ?? pocket Bloodnok: [distant] Bravo, keep it up Seagoon: Oh ho! Now youíre taking my wallet. Oh ho! Youíve taken my money belt Bloodnok: [distant] good lad, keep going FX: Door Seagoon: Thatís right. Oh. Oh I. I canít feel you doing anything yet. FX: Phone Seagoon: Hello? Operator (milligan): Call for you from Paris Seagoon: Hello? Bloodnok: Secombe [sic] the lessonís over lad. Seagoon: End of the silent bugler part one. At the organ max geldray! 18-The Silent Bugler_ I Kiss Your Hand, Madame (Max Geldray) 19-The Silent Bugler_ The Silent Bugler part two Greenslade: The Silent Bugler part two Sellers: But first for listeners whoíve just tuned in, here is a rapid synopsis GRAMS: Milligan gibberish speeded up Sellers: Now read on! Seagoon: Before my departure for Russia I took one final test Colonel: Seagoon we want you to identify objects that will be held up in rapid succession by the sergeant here Seagoon: it was said by a ??? Colonel: Good. Sergeant Eccles, do your duty Eccles: OK sir. Now then my good man the first object I hold up is this. Whatís this? Seagoon: a banana Eccles: good good good good. FX: eating Eccles: Got rid of that. Now then whatís this? Seagoon: a pencil Eccles: Good FX: eating Eccles: Oooh shouldnít have eaten that. Now then now then my man the last one. Now.. GRAMS: Straining Eccles: Whatís this? Whatís this that Iím holding up? Seagoon: let me see now let me see Eccles: Come on! Look at the shape! Seagoon: Yes yes Iíve seen, Iíve seen one like it Eccles: Come on! You know what it is! Seagoon: No no, Iím not quite sure, IÖ Eccles: come on youíve seen one of these before Seagoon: I canít honestly say that Iíve.. GRAMS: floor collapses Eccles: Aaaaaaaaahhhhh. Ow o wow ow FX: Knocking GRAMS: Eccles arrives out of breath Seagoon: Oh youíre back. Eccles: Yeah Seagoon: Well, what was it? Eccles: An elephant Seagoon: Of course, I shouldíve guessed Eccles: Well why didnít you then? That was a ????? Colonel: Steady Eccles, steady Eccles: Steady Eccles Colonel: Steady Eccles Eccles: Steady Eccles. Colonel: now Seagoon just one more small thing Eccles: Steady Eccles Steady Eccles Seagoon: ??gibberish?? Colonel: Iím sure I can do. Bluebottle? 20-The Silent Bugler_ I heard you call, Captain! I heard you! Bluebottle: I heard you call, Captain! I heard you! Hey! Hooray! Hello everybody! Pauses for audience applause, continues act. *Gibberish* I should have said that before when you clapped earlier. Strikes stand easy pose. Seagoon: I understand you have a secret weapon for me Bluebottle: I have it! I have! Unscrews false kneecap, takes out secret gun. I am in agony as I have not got false kneecaps. Puts on bold face. Eeeeeh! It still hurts though. Seagoon: What is this remarkable weapon Bluebottle: It is, it is my backshot pistol Seagoon: You mean, whoever fires this pistol gets killed himself? Bluebottle: Yes. You just give it to an enemy, he aims it at you, and then he gets deaded himself Seagoon: Brilliant! Howís it work? Bluebottle: Iíll show you. Iíll just point the gun at you, then Iíll pull the trigger, andÖ ahaaaaaa no. You point it at me and you pull the trigger. Seagoon: Thanks. I I, point it at you like this Bluebottle: No no donít point it at me point it at yourself. Seagoon: But you saidÖ Bluebottle: Be careful, donít pointÖ FX BANG! Bluebottle: Aiheee! You naughty man you you have deaded me! Youíve punctured my flash Gordon bulletproof space vest with cardboard lapels price one and nine at all good chemists. Ehiheee! Exits left to register for next yearís radio awards. 21-The Silent Bugler_ The Silent Bugler part three Greenslade: The Silent Bugler part three Sellers: in a dark car with the hat pulled well over its eyes, secombe (sic) was next driven to a submerged airport. Seagoon: Once there I was given a spoonful of air linctus for my nerves, which I had unfortunately brought with me. Greenslade (Tannoy): Will passengers with disguised MI5 tickets for mystery flight X to undisclosed destination please inflate their false wigs and crawl as inconspicuously as possible to the isolated black plane standing in the shadow of the barbed wire. Thank you. Ellington: Mystery flight X this way please. Passports please! All passports please. Name sir? Bloodnok: Er. Mrs Gladys Murgatroyd, spinster Ellington: Right. Next! Eccles: Woof woof! Growl growl woof! Ellington: Next! ??unidentified voice: Madame fifi: madame fifi labonbon male impressionist Ellington: Good luck. Next! Sellers (woman): Sir Arthur Bighampton Ellington: Right maíam. Next Sellers (Still female): Little does he know that I am not sir Arthur Bighampton but only his son Prunella. Eccles: Little does he know that Iím not woof woof growl but growl woof woof Bloodnok: Little do they know that I am not mrs Gladys Murgatroyd, spinster, but Miss Gladys Murgatroyd, bachelor. Ellington: And.. And you sir? Seagoon: Iím X2, captain hairy Seagoon, secret British agent Ellington: hahahahaha Seagoon: Clearly he didnít believe me Ellington: Close the doors. Now fasten your safety belts Minnie: Morning! Crun: Morning! Minnie: Morning! Ellington: Morning maíam Minnie: Morning everybody, morning boy! Everybody take your seats please. All safety belts to be fastened. Come Captain Seagoon you must fasten your belt now Seagoon: Why? Minnie: Your trousers are coming down Crun: Contract! [sic] Ellington/Minnie: Contact! Crun: Give it the gun, Ellingbone Minnie: Give him time to get through the ???? 22-The Silent Bugler_ Iím Beginning to See the Light (Ray Ellington) 23-The Silent Bugler_ By now I was deep in enemy territory Seagoon: By now I was deep in enemy territory. Very deep, I was dropped without a parachute. But all the other occupants of the plane were also dropped. I was suspicious. Walking along the Fredstrasse in Dresden I was halted by two men heavily disguised as Englishmen. Milligan??: Ah goot morgen Herr Seagoon. And how is mein herr this morning? Seagoon: Going a bit thin on top, I said, and they replied Bloodnok: Ach marlene dietrich achtung rolls of paper on butler gerblungen spitfire and egg in the eye Rommel gerzeiten and up the old gerblingenblah Seagoon: Curse! He speaks Russian fluently. I must reply. Hmm. Si Si, Senor. Poor Russian fool. Little does he know that Iím not really a German but I speak the language fluently. Bloodnok: Poor German fool, little does he know that I am not a poor Russian fool, but Major Bloodnok, a poor English fool. Eccles: Pardon, pardon mein Herr, *gibberish* Seagoon: Morgen! Ten to one, time to open my sealed orders Bloodnok: Ten to one, time to open my sealed orders Eccles: Twenty to three, time to open my sealed orders Seagoon: I wonder what mine say. Ah yes! The man standing in front of you is Major Bloodnok Bloodnok: Mine say: The man standing before you is Captain Seagoon, who has just been informed who you are. Eccles: Lets see what mine say: beat two eggs, add four ounces of.. Ooh! I got the wrong envelope! I got Mrs. Beetonís Cookery Book. Seagoon: Bloodnok! Bloodnok: Seagoon! Eccles: Mrs. Beeton! Bloodnok: Now. We must disperse. We shall meet here when the clock strikes one. Seagoon: Right. When it strikes one. FX: Bell tolls once Seagoon: Hello Bloodnok! Bloodnok: Ah, Seagoon! Eccles: Hello, Mrs. Beeton! Bloodnok: Youíre late, where have you been? 24-The Silent Bugler_ Donít answer that phone! Itís ringing in Russian GRAMS: Telephone ringing Bloodnok: Donít answer that phone! Itís ringing in Russian Seagoon: What? Then Iíll put on this false beard. Now [answers] Hello? Who is speaking? Head MI5: If you take that silly beard off Iíll tell you. Now listen this is HQ MI5. Orders: Find the Silent Bugler, he knows where the time machine is. His location, the Dresden Opera House Seagoon: Right Eccles: Right Seagoon: Men, the Dresden Opera House, hurry! GRAMS: Whoosh! Bloodnok: Ah, here we are. Todayís symphony concert featuringÖ whatís this? Relgub Tneliseht? Seagoon: Gad! That spells the Silent Bugler backwards! Inside! GRAMS: Whoosh! Seagoon: Ah, hereís an empty box! Eccles: Not a match in it Bloodnok: Just in time! Just in time to miss the first sixty movements. Seagoon: Just look at the Orchestra. They must be over a hundred and fifty Eccles: OOoh they look much younger Seagoon: Shut up and listen. I wonder which one is the silent bugler. Bloodnok: Thatís him! Curse! Heís stopped playing! Seagoon: I didnít hear him! Bloodnok: Well listen andÖ ORCH:silence Bloodnok: There he is now! Seagoon: Where? Where Orch: music Bloodnok: Blast! Heís gone again Seagoon: What was that? Bloodnok: What? Seagoon: The music seemed to repeat! Bloodnok: I didnít notice anything and I know my Wagner backwards Seagoon: But theyíre not playing it backwards Bloodnok: Ah! That accounts for it. GRAMS: Music slows down Eccles:Oo. Oo. Oo. Oo. Seagoon: Good heavens! The whole orchestra are phoneys! Theyíre miming to a gramophone record! Bloodnok: Then the silent buglerÖ Seagoon: He doesnít exist! It must all be a bluff! Bloodnok/Eccles: You meanÖ Seagoon: He doesnít exist, itís all a bluff! Must be. The whole orchestra are secret Russian agents, we must get out of here quick! Eccles: Get out? We got to find the time machine Seagoon: We must split up and search under the theatre. Eccles: Ok lets get out. Seagoon: Wait a minute. How do I know youíre not enemy agents. I want proof of your identities. Bloodnok: Very well, my card, sir, Major D. Bloodnok. Seagoon: My card. Captain Harry Seagoon Eccles: Hereís my card Bloodnok: The two of clubs! 25-The Silent Bugler_ For listeners whoíve been asleep Greenslade: For listeners whoíve been asleep, of whom I am one, hereís a short resumŤ of whatís gone on before Sellers: Helen Lovejoy, beautiful heiress to the Halibut millions, has been jilted at the altar by Villion de Paprikon, son of Louis XIV. Peter, Villionís Eton boating friend, has heard this, but being in Tibet has embarrassed Mary, his fiancťe, who being the only cousin of Sir Ray Ellington has past the title on to Baron Geldray, also heir to the Halibut millions. Now read on. Greenslade: Has he finished? Secombe: Yes Sellers as self: Now. Sellers as Bloodnok: Ah! No! We are alone under the theatre Secombe: Thatís it! Bloodnok: and you are about to speak. Seagoon: Look! The Time Machine! Eccles: Half past four Bloodnok: Put this bomb under it. GRAMS: Explosion Bloodnok: Well done! Seagoon: Somebodyís coming! 26-The Silent Bugler_ Hands up, white man! Ellington: Hands up, white man! Bloodnok: itís a Russian! Run for it! GRAMS: Running feet Seagoon: Taxi!! GRAMS: Traffic various including horse, train aeroplaneÖ GRAMS: Door Eccles: Ah, we made it! Seagoon: Safe at last! Ellington: So you all came back!! Seagoon: What? Ellington: Hands Up! Hands up! Up! Down! Up! Down! Bloodnok: Whatís all this for? Ellington: We like to keep our prisoners fit. Bloodnok: We donít care! Weíve destroyed your time machine, we can die knowing weíve done our job. Ellington: You fools, you only destroyed a replica of the time machine Seagoon: Curse! Foiled by our own stupidity and a bad script. Eccles: What what what what what? Bloodnok: Wait! I happen to be wearing red flannel underdrawers with a patch on. If I could lower my trousers, heíd think it was the Russian flag and salute. Seagoon: Right! Iíll pull from the back. One Two Three! FX: tearing sound Ellington: Long live Russia Bloodnok: Get him! FX: struggling Seagoon: Hands up! Hands up you Russian devil! Ellington: Donít shoot, me not a Bolshevik, me a white Russian! Bloodnok: Ohhhh. Whereís the time machine? Ellington: The box in the corner Seagoon: Right. No mistakes this time. Put this bomb under it Bloodnok: But theyíll hear it Seagoon: Not this one, it wonít go off until the twenty third of November Bloodnok: The twenty third of November? Thatís my birthday! FX: BANG! Seagoon/Eccles: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Orch: Theme Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Charles Chilton. Sellers: I didnít like that one bit.