Notes: This is from the 'Tedded' version and I can tell that there were some parts of the show were worse quality than others, so I've come to believe that they were parts taken out of Transcription Service. They will be marked with brown.
Recorded: 24th January 1960
Broadcast: 28th January 1960
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service despite what the Light Programme says
SECOMBE: And what does the Light Programme say?
GREENSLADE: They say . . .
GRAMS: Sped up - Greenslade saying "This is the BBC Light Programme"
SECOMBE: Gad, how can we tell you apart?
GREENSLADE: Well, our programme has naturally wavy hair for instance and we make insular announcements like this:
SELLERS: Here is a hendu warning. Hendus are raging in sea areas cromety firth, fourth, fith and six. Gale force hendus are sweeping eastward from Iceland, Shetland and the ponies. Further hendus are sweeping in from the east. That is the hend of the endu warning. Tong
SECOMBE: Pardon me Wal, but whatís a hendu?
GREENSLADE: It lays eggs
SECOMBE: And you say theyíre blowing from the east?
SECOMBE: Stand by for Easter eggs!
ORCH: Off key ta-ra on trumpet
GREENSLADE: Ta. And now we present Chapter One of a new dynamic novel written entirely on carbon paper paper, shaven Arab socks and copyright underwater during the hendu season, entitled ĎThe Last of the Smoking Seagoonsí. Part one: the scene, an unfilled cavity in a dentistís waiting room
WILLIUM: [In agony] Oh mate!
GREENSLADE: Ta, part two: the annual shareholdersí meeting of The[color=brown]Imperial[/color] Ascot Tobacco Company
OMNES: [Uncontrolled coughing]
FX: Multiple hammering of gavel
HENRY CRUN: [Coughs to a rhythm] Oh dear, Iíve got a nasty cough, Min
MIN BANNISTER: Yes you have got a nasty cough, Henry. What happened to that nice cough you used to have? You know the one that used to go . . .
GRAMS: Elephant trunk call
MIN BANNISTER: Thatís the one
HENRY CRUN: Oh that one, yes, someone shot it, Min
MIN BANNISTER: The quill, did you have it stuffed Henry?
HENRY CRUN: Aaah now youíre asking me something
MIN BANNISTER: I know Iím asking you something
MILLIGAN: [Sings with a vibrato voice for about 4 seconds]
FX: Fft, fft , Body falling to floor
MILLIGAN: [Continues singing for about 2 seconds, ends with burp]
THROAT: Thank you very much
HENRY CRUN: I donít know where we get these shareholders from
MIN BANNISTER: You can't get them, canít get the shareholders, you know Henry. I canít get any holders for my shares.
HENRY CRUN: Oh really?
MIN BANISTER: No. Oh well . . .
HENRY CRUN: Welcome now to the shareholdersí meeting, ladies and gentlemen. Iím glad that this time the gentlemen are wearing trousers. And now Min of Mongolia will read the trading report for the last year
FX: Turns paper, pause, turns paper, pause, turns paper
HENRY CRUN: Yes, it was a very quiet year. [Sings] Nothing was heard but the song of a vag . . . [Min joins in and continues singing high notes until Grams]
GRAMS: Burst of applause, chanting - Sped up 'Ziek Heil'. "Hooray, Hooray",[color=brown][next part sounds like a previous Goon Show with audience] Harp glissando, audience laughs, man talking with worried voice - "Iíve been worried about the Goon Show lately", audience applauds joke, man continues "I said to Jim the other day . . . ", elephant trunk call
HENRY CRUN: Thank you.
MIN BANNISTER: Poor Jim
HENRY CRUN: and now the consumer research bureau statistical report on the customers of this tobacco company
FX: Gavel rapped on desk
HENRY CRUN: Gentlemen, good news; that means weíve had a knocker fitted to the door
SEAGOON: [Off] Itís me [coughs]
HENRY CRUN: Itís coughing Ned of Wales, our only customer. Get the horses out of here, Min
GRAMS: Horse gallops fading
FX: Door opens
SEAGOON: Good heavens, the Lord Mayor Show has been this way
HENRY CRUN: No Ned, the floor has been this way for years
SEAGOON: Oh good, so the floor goes this way. It must be a short cut
HENRY CRUN & SEAGOON: [Accenting laughs]
HENRY CRUN: Did you hear that, Min?
MIN BANNISTER: [Off] I did, Henry
HENRY CRUN: Come now Ned, do a nice little cough for the shareholders
GRAMS: [Under Seagoon] small claps
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, may I say on behalf of the shareholders that was beautiful. Tell me Ned, what brought you to our meeting?
SEAGOON: An ambulance [coughs] Iíve got to give it up, you know
GRYTPYPE: Give up ambulances, Neddie? Ambulances are good for you
SEAGOON: No, no, no, Iím trying to give up smoking. Iím up to two a day, you know. Itís ruining me health, hilth, hoolth and hulth, niehau!
SEAGOON: [color=brown]Shareholders of The Imperial Ascot Tobacco Company,[/color]even though Iím your only customer, Iíve got to give it up!
GRAMS: Mourning crowd
GRYTPYPE: Just one moment please, one moment please
GRAMS: Mourning crowd tape slows down
GRYTPYPE: Now Ned, donít be hasty, the whole output of this mighty Imperial Ascot Tobacco Company is geared to your nicotine addiction
SEAGOON: I donít care; Iíve got to think of my lungs
GRYTPYPE: Why should you, they never think of you Ned? Moriarty, the sobbing violin
ORCHESTRA: Violin ĎHearts and Flowersí
GRYTPYPE: [Over orch.] Here Ned, have a cigarette to steady your nerves
SEAGOON: [Over orch.] Thank you [sucks] I say, this cigaretteís all filter with a tobacco tip
GRYTPYPE: Of course itís all filter with a tobacco tip, Neddie. It is my latest invention
SEAGOON: You filter swine!
ORCHESTRA: Big joke chord
GREENSLADE: End of part one. Three years on and six million nerve-wracking coughs later, a tiny nicotine-stained figure sits by a mountain of dog ends. Behind each ear are strapped two revolving bundles of half-smoked cigarettes
ORCHESTRA: Some kind of stringed instrument played above the fret
SEAGOON: [Coughs, speaks very fast] Hello folks hello folks hello folks [speaks normal pace] Hello folks [coughs more] Hello folks, this is Ned of Wales calling in the outdoor Fag-end Service of the BBC.[Coughs] Folks [tries to talk, but canít because of cough] Iím in a bad way, folks, I need help. Heeeeeeelp!
GRAMS: Car drives up and screaches to a stop
SEAGOON: Heavens, a 95-foot long motorcar covered in mink, it must be Peter Sellers
GRYTPYPE: No, no Ned, No he hasnít heard of this one yet, Neddie.[color=brown]This is the delivery truck of The Imperial Ascot Tobacco Company.[/color] I just heard your ~cree-de-ker~
SEAGOON: Did you? It mustíve been a loud one
GRYTPYPE: Fair, it shook the windows Ned. Now Ned, I know a great surgeon who can cure those dreaded ~cree-de-kers~
SEAGOON: Does he practice in Harley Street?
GRYTPYPE: Yes, but only on the saxophone. Police kept moving him on you know,[color=brown]that is why he was forced to take the degrading post as chief surgeon to the King[/color]. Now just go behind this handy road-side screen and take your clothes off
SEAGOON: Thank you. [Off, singing] Iím only a strolling [stops singing] hahaha, ooh, I havenít had that off for a long time. Ohahoaho . . .
GRYTPYPE: Right Moriarty, weíll take these clothes and have them valued
GRAMS: Car drives off
SEAGOON: I say hurry up, hurry up! Itís cold behind here, a lot of woodpeckers around
GREENSLADE: Ladies and gentlemen, a Bow Street runner approaches
GRAMS: Running footsteps fading in
WILLIUM: Hello, hello. Whoís left this screen by de road with itís lights off in broad daylight? Anybody in?
WILLIUM: Well come on out madam
SEAGOON: I canít, I havenít any clothes on, Iím waiting for a medical inspection
GRAMS: ~"Could I please have some help with this one please"~ Cacophony of sound effects: Sweep, Bop, Bubbles, Burp, Rising wizz, Plop, Boing
WILLIUM: I reckon you need one, mate
SEAGOON: Just a moment - theyíve gone! My clothes have gone, Grytpype-Thyneís gone, Moriartyís gone, the carís gone!
WILLIUM: Youíve gone, mate and all. Come on Off to the old wolololololop (indian war woop)!
SEAGOON: Ololololop, none of that, no ololop, I was in there last week you know
WILLIUM: Well, youíre going in again this week now, old Milliganís a bit short of ideas you see now, come on
SEAGOON: Try it Wal, wololololop!
GREENSLADE: Wololololop, wololololop! Part four: the scene is lit by the brilliant conk of Max the conks Geldray!
GRAMS: Burst of applause!
MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA: "What More Do You Want?"
MAX GELDRAY: Thank you folks and plodgee, this is Max ĎConksí Geldray, the golden plum and friend to the snowmans. Listen again next week when you will hear . . . [blows harmonica C# chord]
GRAMS: Burst of applause
GREENSLADE: Stop, stop, stop!
GREENSLADE: Thankyou. Part four: the dreaded National Health hospital at Hampton Court
DOCTOR: Say aah
MALE PATIENT: [Straining] Aahh
GRAMS: Rubbing and scratching, running footsteps, objects thrown down etc.
FEMALE PATIENT: [Screams, etc.]
BLOODNOK: Yes, youíll love it here, Neddie. Iíve had your clothes x-rayed and weíve discovered an anonymous swollen wallet inside your jacket. Nurse Mills?
ELLINGTON: Yes darling?
BLOODNOK: Ohhh. Nurse prepare for a money operation
ELLINGTON: Oh, the matron wonít like it
BLOODNOK: Sheís not getting any of it, aeough!
MILLIGAN: Whatís the operation, doctor?
BLOODNOK: Well I have to remove his post office savings account. Hand me the anaesthetic, will you? Erh!
ECCLES: Oooww, Major
BLOODNOK: Iím sorry, Eccles, I . . .
SEAGOON: Here, wait a moment, I . . .
BLOODNOK: Right, nurse, knife . . .
FX: Writing on paper
BLOODNOK: [Over FX] Pen, ink, specimen of patientís signature, put it in the forgery kit there, ooh, itís all over!
GRAMS: Running footsteps fading out
SEAGOON: Ooh, ooh, nurse, where am I?
MIN BANNISTER: England, Ned
SEAGOON: Thank heaven. If it hadnít been, Iíd never have had the money to get back
GRYTPYPE: Cigarette, Ned?
SEAGOON: Cigarettes, yes, Yes, YES YES YES YES YES! [Blows into cigarette] Oooooooooooooohhhhhhh!
GRAMS: Crackling flames, fire brigade bell, water, hiss of steam
GRYTPYPE: Did you enjoy that, Neddie?
SEAGOON: Aaahh, Oh yes yes yes yes yes
GRYTPYPE: Well have another one; the crowd expects it of you
GRAMS: Running footsteps with Seagoon saying "No, no, no, no . . . ", speeds up to an incredibly high speed
GREENSLADE: And now part two of an early Roman trouser plantation. To escape from the dreaded fiend, Nicotine Ned stows away on a Hindu ship, disguised as a stow-away
ORCHESTRA: Naval-type link
GRAMS: Seagulls, wash of sea
FX: ding ding, ding ding, ding ding
BANERGEE: What, what, what is, what is that?
LALAKAKA: What is that? Thatís six bells, six bells
BANERGEE: Six bells? Listen, man, we donít need them
LALAKAKA: What do you mean you donít need the six bells? What do you mean?
[color=brown]BANERGEE: What Iím saying[/color], what I am telling you[color=brown] . . .
LALAKAKA: What do you mean?
BANERGEE: You silly old Pakistani, you listen to me. Listen
LALAKAKA: My mother is Irish, I tell you
BANERGEE: But you werenít born in London ~condolencies~
LALAKAKA: I know that, alright[/color]
BANERGEE: What we need, we donít need six bells. What we need is one bell and we hit it five times
LALAKAKA: It was only one bell hit five times
BANERGEE: Then why didnít you say so, man? Do it all again and say it properly
LALAKAKA: Alright, alright
FX: Ding ding, ding ding, ding ding
LALAKAKA: One bell hit five times
SEAGOON: I say,[color=brown]I say Hindu gentlemen[/color]
LALAKAKA & BANERGEE: What, what?
LALAKAKA: Iíve never seen anything like this, what is it, sir?
SEAGOON: Are you generally responsible for berths on this ship?
LALAKAKA: What is written here is not pointless, not all of them
SEAGOON: Iím on this trip for my health, Iím a victim of fag-ends.
BANERGEE: Oh dear dear dear
SEAGOON: Iíve lost all my teeth and Iíve got hydromynthalics-defatic-thrompyteritis with complications
BANERGEE: What are the complications?
SEAGOON: Trying to say that lot without my teeth. [Without teeth] Now listen, I tell you [with teeth] Iíve had no food since the trip started
BANERGEE & LALAKAKA: Oh yes, we know we know we know . . .
BANERGEE: It is the policy of this line to starve the passengers to death you know
SEAGOON: Well, why wasnít I told?
BANERGEE: It is also the policy of this line not to alarm the passengers
ECCLES: Ahowowoy, mouth of the Amazon in sight!
PIRATE: Arr, look out for the wash, arr
SEAGOON: What wash?
PIRATE: The dreaded Amazon mouth wash, my dear ahaharr, narnarhaharr, aarr. They do say South America is haunted, my darliní ahahar, this little fag-end is haunted. With sixpence I learnt everything, ahaharrrr, narliemahar
GREENSLADE:[color=brown]Bernard Miles is now appearing at the Mermaid Theatre. And now Ray Ellington, son of Mermaid
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: ĎToo Marvellous For Wordsí
BLOODNOK: Aeiough! Well, Ned! So we meet again thanks to skilful writing. Look at this, Ned, look at this here, a picture of me
SEAGOON: Was it taken by flashlight?
BLOODNOK: No, taken by rifle fire, a new process you know. You get a pile of rifles and you set fire to them
SEAGOON: Gad, what will you think of next?
BLOODNOK: Well, I think Iíll say Iím not staying on this ship. Iíve been beaten, flogged, keel-hauled, mutinited, tarred, hung from the yard arm, lashed to the mast and also an unpleasant incident east of the wind
SEAGOON: But a sailor must expect these things
BLOODNOK: Sailor? Iím a first class passenger
SEAGOON: Youíre a first class . . .
BLOODNOK: Yes, I know, I know. Well now, letís have a quick résumé
GRAMS: Very short snippet of an explosion
BLOODNOK: Aah, thatís better. Stand aside for the equity announcement, badaaaaaa!
GREENSLADE: Neddie hid all the way on the boat to South America and he hid all the way back again, thus breaking the worldís hiding record
BLOODNOK: Ned of Wales, Ned of Nicotine listen, woof woof woof, the sound of the bonkerville
SEAGOON: Quick, where can I hide?
BLOODNOK: Come in side you silly . . . Come inside this patriotic military museum. Disguise yourself as a visitor
JIM SPRIGGS: Hello, Jim
BLOODNOK: Good heavens, itís hello Jim, a night visitor. Welcome to the Bloodnok Patriotic Museum, every exhibit a real eye waterer. Admission, a mere nine guineas
JIM SPRIGGS: Why do you charge so much, Jim?
BLOODNOK: Well itís something to do with the holidays in the South of France, you know
JIM SPRIGGS: Very well
FX: Cash register bell
BLOODNOK: Oooh, that tune, how it haunts me. Itís my regimental march, the third mounted cash registers you know. Come in and savour the exhibits, lad, this way please. Now you see, the actual slice of Gruyere cheese issued to the fifteenth Panzer division of the battle of Boorada. Just there you see
JIM SPRIGGS: Just a minute, Jim
BLOODNOK: What, what, what?
JIM SPRIGGS: Wait a minute Jim. This steaming cheese has got New Zealand stamped on it
BLOODNOK: Yes, it was captured by them during the battle, you see, you can see the bullet hole in it. Look. Oh look out, itís moving!
FX: Eight Pistol Gunshots
BLOODNOK: Come out and fight!
SEAGOON: Donít shoot! Donít shoot, Major, itís me
BLOODNOK: Nicotine-mad Ned, have you been smoking that cheese? Come out with your hands up and lay your wrist-watch on this table. Thatís right. Good heavens, look at the time! Twenty to four, the perfect time for a wrist-watch robbery
SEAGOON: Oooho, my last worldly possession stolen. My only goat-skin, duckfir hand-operated wrist watch, gone!
ECCLES: Whatís a duckfor?
SEAGOON: To lay eggs. Gone in the direction of away, what can I doooo?
GRYTPYPE: Have a cigarette, Neddie
SEAGOON: No no no, Iíve given it up, I'm cured. I only smoke salmon and thatís cured too you know
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, despite the age of that joke, we have decided to recognise your services to the world of fumes
MORIARTY: Hello Neddie, hello Ned, we have made you director of The [color=brown]Imperial Ascot[/color]Tobacco Company, Ned.
HENRY CRUN: This means that in future, tell him, Min
MIN BANNISTER: In future Henry
HENRY CRUN & MIN BANNISTER: Every cigarette you smoke will bring you a dividend of point [with rhythm] o o o-o o, o 3 of our owning(???)!
HENRY CRUN: . . . which will be paid to you in cigarettes. Every 330 thousand cigarettes you smoke will come to you free
MIN BANNISTER: Freeeeeeeeee! Freeeee
HENRY CRUN: And will be lit for you by our board of directors
SEAGOON: Thank heavens, my days of poverty are over [laughs]! What I want to know is how many cigarettes a day have I got to smoke?
GRYTPYPE: Just one, Ned and in that order
SEAGOON: Alright, alright Iíll sigin
GRAMS: Donkey braying
GRYTPYPE: What an unusual signature. Alright lads, bring the cigarettes in
GRAMS: Footsteps approaching clambering up stairs etc, under:
CARRIER1: Right ho, down to you billy, over a bit
CARRIER2: Well I've got it now, down a bit your end, mind the filter
CARRIER1: Lower it down now
CARRIER2: Lower it down now
GRAMS: Strain, crash!
SEAGOON: Curse, trapped by a ninety-foot long cigarette!
GRYTPYPE: Come along Ned, youíve only got eight hours to fulfil the contract. Light the end, Moriarty
MORIARTY: Ooowww, puff away, puff puff puff
GRAMS: Crackling, Sizzling, Puffing of steam train sped up
SEAGOON: As I puffed at the giant cigarette, the heat drove out half the inhabitants of London
GRAMS - JOHN SNAGGE: This is the Overseas Service of the Bar BC. Here is the latest report on the giant cigarette situation. At midnight a red large glow in the eastern sky over Clapham signified that the great cigarette was still alight. The heavy pall of smoke now hangs over east London. A Mrs Violet Nuke of five Sussex Road has complained that her Tom cat, Matthew has changed colour because(???) of the smoking of the pipe. The last medical report on Nicotine Ned was that he had turned into a frail green creature. The stock exchange; shares of The[color=brown]Ascot[/color] Tobacco Company rose sharply today, I did rather nicely actually and I think that Greenslade and I can go to the pictures tonight
GREENSLADE: Oh thank you John, we havenít been since we saw Hellís Angels. Meantime, coughing Ned of Wales plans to escape
GRAMS: Ridiculous coughing
SEAGOON: Oh dear Bloodnok [coughs], I need your help
BLOODNOK: What? Well you can stand by me to rely on you. Feel this ~quill fair~ (???)
SEAGOON: Now have you a lighter than air machine?
BLOODNOK: Just by chance I have this handy Chinese rice paper fire balloon.[color=brown]And here is the driver, Ar Long
AR LONG: Ah, Ar Long, [speaks gibberish Chinese] nah[/color]
SEAGOON: Well get along, Ar Long
AR LONG: Hold tight
FX: Stretching noises
GRAMS: Chinese-like song, eventually speeding up
GRAMS: Gunshots, under:
BLOODNOK: Look, itís Count Moriarty giving chase in the tobacco-powered ground zeppelin. Full speed in all directions
SEAGOON: Itís only thirteen miles to safe harbour
ECCLES: Thirteen miles? Thatís an unlucky number
SEAGOON: Oh, fourteen miles then
ECCLES: You see it was unlucky; weíre a mile further away now
SEAGOON: I say weíre up high
BLOODNOK: Yes, gad, the sunís hot
ECCLES: Well you shouldnít touch it
BLOODNOK: Shut up, Eccles
ECCLES: I think Moriartyís within earshot?
ECCLES: Iíve just been shot in my ear
SEAGOON: Keep going lads, weíre up to page thirteen.[color=brown]Ar Long, why are we losing height
AR LONG: [/color]Honourable[color=brown] fire has gone out,[/color] no fuel
SEAGOON: Thereís no fuel like an old fuel
ECCLES: If only we had some thin-sliced garlic
ECCLES: I love thin-sliced garlic
BLOODNOK: Look, we shall have to burn our clothes. Draw the blinds, nurse will you. Eccles, off with those thorn-proof trousers
FX: Phone rings, phone off hook
MORIARTY: [on phone] Ha ha ha, now listen to me, Bloodnok
BLOODNOK: Who gave you the phone number of this balloon, Moriarty?
MORIARTY: [on phone] A man called Tom
MORIARTY: [on phone] Hand over smoking Ned of Wales and weíll see you get a fair trial and a fair hanging
BLOODNOK: Ned, youíll have to surrender
SEAGOON: Not one step nearer, Bloodnok or Iíll put a bullet between your eyes
BLOODNOK: I didnít know they made them that small
SEAGOON: Youíll never take me dead or alive
BLOODNOK: But isnít there any other way?
GRAMS: Short explosion
GREENSLADE: A direct hit from the tobacco-powered zeppelin on the rice-paper balloon. We join the crew in the hospital
SEAGOON: Ohohoho, oh doctor
SCOTSMAN: [Talks with bagpipe music] youíre lucky to be alive, man
SCOTSMAN: [Talks with bagpipe music] I tried to kill you three times
SEAGOON: Youíre just saying that to cheer me up
SCOTSMAN: [Talks with bagpipe music] Ah yes thrup me yune
SEAGOON: Tell me what happened to Bloodnok and Eccles
SCOTSMAN: [Talks with bagpipe music] unfortunately nothiní. Now then thrup lar. Put this wee thing in your mouth
SEAGOON: [strains] aaaaaarrrrrr
GRYTPYPE: Match, Neddie
SEAGOON: Noo, no itís a cigarette [cries]
ORCHESTRA: Showtime melody
GREENSLADE: Yes that was it, the last of them, so bye now
ORCHESTRA: ĎOld Comrades Marchí,[color=brown]ĎDing Dong, the Witch is Deadí[/color]