THE CASE OF THE MUKKINESE BATTLE-HORN
transcribed by Brian
"African-American Goon Hern(AAGH!)" Phillips with
corrections by John
A Kingsley-Union Films Release
The Case of the Mukkinese Battle-Horn
Film Editor...Ferrie(?) Muldoon
Jan Pennington, Harry Booth, Michael Deeley
"In the wonder of Schizophreniscope, the new Split
(Over an incredibly foggy screen, we hear
CHILDREN'S BOOK NARRATOR-TYPE HERN: London. Yes, London. Who
to recognize the city's great landmarks? Here, in Trafalgar
instance, there is Nelson's Column. And even in the worst
cannot miss Nelson's Column.
GRAMS: Car skids and
CBN Hern: You see? There's someone not missing it now! But
there is one
famous London landmark that anyone could miss, tucked
away in a little
(Fog clears to reveal a large
CBN Hern: Recognize it? Scotland Yard. Scotland Yard is the
headquarters of the CID. The Criminal Investigation Department of the
Police. Let us take a look at the world-famous CID at work
through the medium of a true real-life case; a factual
record straight from the files of Scotland Yard.
( A file is
removed from a file cabinet that reads, "The Case of the
Battle-Horn". Fade to a museum case that says "Mukkinese
CBN Hern: Yes, the Mukkinese
(A brick shatters the glass case in which the Horn is
contained. A hand
comes into the frame, removes the brick, and we hear
running away. Then we hear them coming back.
Someone's hand replaces
the brick and very noisily removes the
Standard Hern(Shall be henceforth known as
Hern): The fact was not
discovered until the following
Old Museum Guard:(GRAMS Extremely fast--paced music)
Hern: Within minutes of the report of the
burglary, Scotland Yard's Ace
Detective, Superintendent Quilt. (Car
pulls up and out of frame, backs up
into frame and stops in front of
museum. Quilt(Sellers) gets out, all the
time scolding driver.
Sellers' garb should be familiar to anyone who has
seen him as
Inspector Clouseau. Quilt opens trunk, to let out Detective
Woman Constable: Good morning,
Quilt: Good morning, Constable. Where's the body?
Constable: Body, sir? Oh, there's no body here.
Quilt: You mean...we're
alone?(romantic music plays and fades).
Hern: Wasting no time,
Superintendent Quilt and Sergeant Brown began a
thorough search for
Brown: Look, sir! (points down) An impression of a
Quilt: Very clever, Brown. We haven't time for your impressions
Brown: Thank you, sir.
(Quilt walks to another room)
I say, you there, are you the body?
Noddule: No, are you?
no. I'm Superintendent Quilt of Scotland Yard.
Noddule: Delighted to
meet you. My name's Noddule, I'm a curator here.
Quilt: How do you
Noddule: Ha, ha, how do you do? (They shake hands)
me my glove, will you?
Noddule: Yes, of course.
Quilt: (Looks past
Noddule: Hello? I thought we just met.
have we got over here? (Walks over to the smashed case) What's
this about, eh?
Noddule: That? Oh, we just had a robbery last
Quilt: Anything stolen? (picks up card and recites)
Mukkinese Battle Horn, 9th-century copper inlaid
with rubies and emeralds."
(lifts the display window-smashing-type
brick) You've been swindled, old man.
Quilt: This is
an ordinary house brick.
Noddule: I know. The Mukkinese Battle-Horn has
Quilt : What? (Drops brick on Noddule's foot)
Quilt: I must warn you that anything that you say can and will
be taken down
and used in evidence against you. Sgt. Brown?
Quilt: Make a note of that.
Brown: Right, sir.
them speak in rapid-fire, simultaneous police-type banter)
you got all that?
Brown: No, sir!
Quilt: Good! You know, Noddule, it
strikes me as very, very fishy why the
thief chose this Mukkinese
Battle-Horn thing when there was all these
other rare and valuable
items lying around.
Quilt: Mm-hmm. Such as those
golden slave bangles.
Noddule: By Jove, you're right!
Noddule: He could have easily nicked one of those Chinese jade
Noddule: Or even this(points and walks). This
Priceless Grecian vase(which he
knocks over with his outstretched
finger). Botheration! Cleggett!
Nip 'round to Woolworth's and get me
one of those priceless Grecian
vases, will you?(Cleggett
Quilt: Mr. Noddule, can you give me a full description of the
Noddule: Description? I can do better than
that. (yells off-camera) Cleggett!
Noddule: Bring in
the other Mukkinese Battle-Horn.
Noddule: This one was
one of a pair. Supposed to be he only identical pair
Quilt: Come now then, Noddule! Do you take me for a
wheels in the other horn) I'm an officer of the
Police Force and
I...(Noddule, Brown and Quilt turn to see the
Quilt, Noddule and Brown: AAGH!
Quilt: So, um...this is
Noddule: Yes. This is it.
Brown: It sort of looks like a
Noddule: With a little more plumbing, of
Quilt: Look, um, tell me one thing.
What are these holes?
Noddule: I'm glad you mentioned those. They help
to change the pitch of
Quilt: I see.
this one here, this one here is for D-Sharp...
Quilt: That's rather
Noddule: Yes, yes, yes. And that one there is for
Brown: Terribly stunning.(pointing to another spot on the horn)
What’s that there for!?
Noddule: Used razor blades.
Noddule, you're trying to be funny, sir.
Noddule: (to camera) Aren't we
Hern: (Car drives up) Soon the various experts from the CID began
on the scene. At 11:10, the police photographers arrived.
(Police are seen
posing for a family portrait-type shot) Photographed
the police, and hurried
away again. At 11:30, Quilt began his
interrogation of witnesses and
Quilt: Send in
the night watchman, Jay Smith.
1st constable: Calling Jay
(From a sarcophagus comes Spike Milligan. The Smith character is
Smith: Hellooo! OOooh. Fine, fine, fine.
(Sings) "Everything's going to
be fine..."(he is manhandled by a
constable). Oh, here, what’re you
doing? Lemme go! Lemme go, now! Take
your feet(?) off me! (Looks around
Quilt: Are you Jay
Smith: (nods in assent) Nope, nope.
Quilt: He's not Jay
Smith: (to constable) He’s not Jay Smith-Brown.
That's not Brown!
Smith: That's not Brown.
Quilt: Where were you on
the night of the seventeenth?
Smith(to Quilt): I was at the pictures.
(to Constable), I WAS AT THE
PICTURES! (to Quilt) BANG! A car went
bang, bang, bang, wit-tidda-dum,
Quilt: What about
the Mukkinese Battle-Horn?
Smith: What ABOUT the Mukkinese
Quilt: It's been stolen!
Smith: Oooh, (to Constable)
it's been stolen.
Quilt: Constable, get this idiot out of here!
Smith: Get this idiot out of here!(Constable removes Smith, amid
Quilt: Next witness! I won't stand for it! I'll
show you! Next witness,
Constable. 1st Constable: Right, sir. Next
Brown: This is the janitor(?), sir.
Quilt: Mr. Crimpe,
would you like to tell us your story?
Crimpe: (Sounding much like
Willium "Mate" Cobblers, but not played by
Sellers) Yes, sir. Well, I
was proceeding in an orderly manner towards the
main gate in order to
Crimpe: When suddenly, someone jumps out
and wallops me on me 'ead.
Wallop, wallop, wallop, on me 'ead. I turns
'round and wallop, wallop,
wallop again! Quilt: Incredible.
Down I goes I goes and wallop, wallop, wallop on me 'ead again!
just as I start to get up, wallop, wallop, wallop...!
Quilt: On your
Crimpe: No, sir. Wallop...
Quilt: Hmm...Wallop. Tell me, Mr. Crimpe, did you notice
about these men?
Crimpe: Yes, sir.
Crimpe: They kept wallopin' me on me 'ead.
Quilt: I see. Is
there anything else?
Crimpe: (Takes off his hat to reveal a large
bandage) Yes, sir. Could I
have an aspirin?
Quilt: Constable, look
after Mr. Crimpe, would you?
Crimpe: Thank you very much, sir. (leaves
with 2nd Constable)
1st Constable: Next witness! (a Veronica Lake-type
blonde woman walks up to
Brown: (smitten) The next
witness is waiting, sir.
Quilt: (looking down at the desk)Fine, Brown.
Now then, sire...(Camera,
mimicking Quilt's eyes, takes a long,
languorous pan of the woman's
figure after which, Quilt is equally
smitten) where were you on the night of
Woman: Don't you remember?
Quilt: (eyes still locked on Woman)Have you
got all that down, Brown?
Brown: Yes, sir!
Quilt: Well, rub it out
again, would you?
Hern: Lieutenant Quilt hurried back to Scotland Yard
and within minutes of
his arrival, the well-oiled machinery of the CID
sprang into action. (At the
CID, someone is riding an exercise bicycle
which seems to supply the power to
the dispatcher's phone set. The
bike rider and the dispatcher are both
dressed in nightshirts and
Dispatcher: Calling patrol car 11D, calling car 11D! Urgent
Turn left into
Oxford Street and head west, turn left into Oxford
Street and head west.
Calling car 5K, car 5K, turn right into Oxford
Street and head due east, turn
right into Oxford...
GRAMS Car skid
Dispatcher: Calling ambulance one-seven, calling ambulance
CUT TO: Newsreel of an Army marching.
Hern: The search
continued. During the afternoon, several arrests were made.
Night scene. It is foggy and two lovers are gazing into each other's
Hern: With nightfall, the weather took a turn for the worse.
But, even in the
darkest, foggiest street, London's indomitable police
stopping late wayfarers and ruthlessly
them. Constable: Hey! Hey, you two!
Male Wayfarer: Uh,
Constable: Can you tell me the way to the police station?
Wayfarer: Just over there.
Constable: Thank you. (exits, with his arms
outstretched, like a
GRAMS Shout and fall into the
Female Wayfarer: Darling, how romantic! We must be by the
(CUT TO: Police station, officer walks in with stack of
Hern: By noon the following day, vast amounts of vital
evidence were pouring in.
(Officer with large amount of papers drops an
envelope on the desk of Quilt and walks away with the stack of papers.
Brown scans the envelope with a magn
Brown: It's a letter,
(There is a break in my print of the film here.)
let's see what this letter's all about. shall we? Hello! It's a
from the police laboratory.
Brown: Really, sir?
Quilt: Yes. Let's
see. (reading)"Analysis of fluff taken from night
cuff. Discovered were fragments of wool, cotton, fine ash
Turkish-type cigarette, particles of dried mud from a Limestone district
and a quantity of low-grade industrial soot of coal dust.
Really, sir? And what was the analysis' conclusion?
Quilt: "This suit
Quilt : File that will you
Brown: At once, sir!
(Brown stretches out the hand that holds
the report. Brown takes out a nail
file and uses it on Quilt's
GRAMS: Knock on door.
(Amidst piano music best suited for
silent era films, a man with a mustache
and hat enters the room. The
following sequence is rendered in title cards.)
(Gesticulates as if speaking for two people; the "Two" of them
have a mock
sword fight between them and then bows.) I am Catchpole
star of the silent films.
(Quilt and Brown look
at each other, with some astonishment. Quilt moves his
mouth to speak,
but finds no sound is coming out. They decide to write out
want to say.)
Quilt's note: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
title card) I've called for my Unemployment money.
(Quilt writes out
Quilt's note: "THE LABOUR EXCHANGE IS NEXT DOOR!!
When Burkington looks tragic, music becomes deeply moving
Burkington realises his mistake; music changes to "Thine be
the Glory". As
he overacts his way out, he manages to walk into a
cupboard marked "Disguises"
rather than the door. When he emerges, he
is dressed in a bathing costume;
he shades his eyes and scans the
horizon. Music changes to "Rule Britannia".
He returns to the cupboard
and emerges in his original suit and takes a
deep bow. The music
reaches a heroic climax...While he is bent over, the
the stack of papers trips over him, with appropriate music.
An Announcer: We interrupt our story to bring you a word
from Mr. Maurice
Ponque: My name is Maurice Ponque...and I
live in a little log cabin in
Picadilly. Last night, I left a burning
cigarette by my bedside and the
'ole place burnt down. And the night
before last, my fire insurance run
out...and we did not get a penny.
My, how we did laugh, heh-heh, when we,
heh-heh heard about
Announcer: Mr. Ponque has nothing to do with our story. We though
like to see what a real idiot sounds like.
reclining on a sofa holding a cigarette in a holder. This is
with Quilt at the station house.
Hern: Six months later. The public
are pressing for an early arrest.
The assistant commissionaire, Sir
Jervis Fruit(this character speaks with
Grytpype-Thynne's voice) rings
Superintendent Quilt with an inquiry.
Fruit: Hello, Quilt. Have you a
Quilt: A light? Certainly sir. (Quilt holds a lighter up to the
receiver, which lights the cigarette at the other end)
Quilt: All right, sir.
Fruit: Quilt, about this Mukkinese
Battle-Horn thing, something must be
done, you know.
Fruit: Quilt, I want you to call at every music shop and pawn
masquerading as a musician inquiring for a Mukkinese
you got that?
Quilt: Yes sir, yes, yes.
Good. What ever you do, take every precaution and don't get
killed. Oh, I don't know, though.
(A rock flies through Quilt's
Quilt: What was that? What was that Brown? Brown, what is
Brown: (looking at the rock through his spyglass) It's a
Quilt: Control, Brown, control!
stone! With a message tied to it.
Quilt: What does it say?
(reads note) "Fred Smith, Window Repair"
Quilt: (reading same note)
"14A Hurling Street".
Brown: Why, that's 14A Hurling Street's
Quilt: Yes, and no more than a stone's throw from here. Brown,
start our search there. (Brown puts on a hat that is too large
for him and
(Several shots of the three brass balls (which
signify a pawnbroker's shop)
outside different shops).
Quilt are outside a store.
(We see the three brass balls, then pan
down to reveal a fourth. Hence...)
Quilt: Business must be
(The door is marked "Musical Instruments". They knock.)
Business must be good.
Brown: Yes, Sire.
Quilt:(Quilt knocks again,
impatiently.) Come on!
Crun: (inside the shop) Puss, pussy, pussy,
kitty, kitty. Come on out of
there you naughty little Dibble.(Knocking
is continuous throughout this scene.)
Crun: Come on, Dibbles.
Crun: What is
it Minnie? I...
Minnie: Henry, there's someone knocking at the
Crun: What, what is..., what is...
Minnie: Knicky, knacky,
knocky at the door!
Crun: Minnie, I can't hear what you're saying for
that knocking noise!
Minnie: Tell them to stop that knocking!
I can't hear you! Mnk, ngk...
Brown: Did someone
Crun: (goes to door and answers it) Good evening.
Won't you please come in?
Quilt: Brown, this may be dangerous. I want
you to stick around here and
keep your eyes open.
Quilt: Don't forget, Brown. Keep a sharp watch out.
right, sir. (Quilt enters shop) Good evening.
Crun: Good, mm, good
Quilt: Uh, I'm think of taking up music and I'm looking for a
Battle-Horn. Crun: You can't get them, you know.
Um, why not?
Crun: You, mnk, can't get the wood, you know.
Crun: Poor old Molly Gnasher.
Quilt: What about her?
She couldn't get the wood either.
Quilt: Perhaps some other time. Well,
Crun: Good...nnn...good night. (Quilt leaves. A door opens
at the other end
of the shop. Brown and Quilt hide behind a corner.
The VLB woman is seen
leaving the shop.)
VLB Woman: Good night,
Minnie: Good night, darling. Don't be late now.
heavens, sir! Isn't that the lady you questioned at the
you think? (They set out after her.)
(CUT TO: A sign that reads
Hern: The mysterious blonde led Quilt and Brown to
Maxie's Club. A
notorious hangout of London's Underworld.
Brown? I want you to get a message through to Scotland Yard to say
that we're coming here and...(A Speakeasy-type sliding peep door opens
up. Behind it is Maxie, a man with a beard, moustache and
Quilt: I haven't knocked yet.
Sorry (Closes peep door).
Maxie: (opens peep door)
Quilt: Are you Mr. Maxie?
Maxie: Such is my name.
I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Such. Will Mr. Maxie be along?
Maxie: I AM
Quilt: Then you weren't very long, were you? We were
wondering if we
could get into your club here.
Maxie: You were
wondering if you could get into my club here?
Quilt: Why not?
Maxie: This is a specially-fitted,
double-strength, armor-plated door and
nobody can get through
Quilt: Then how did you get in?
Maxie: Easy. I came through
there. (They all walk over to a Western-style
Quilt: Cunning, very cunning. (A man flies head first through
the door out
into the street.) Anyone we know?
Brown: Yes, sir?
Quilt: You'd better stick
around and see what clues you can find.
Brown: Very good,
(Loud, jazzy music is playing. Quilt walks into the club, the
and all eyes are focused on him. Quilt sits down next to
the VLB woman,
whom he does not notice and removes his hat. The
revelry resumes. The
light dims and an exotic dancer with a veil moves
seductively to some
Pseudo-Eastern music. Quilt appears most
interested. The dancer moves closer
Quilt: Oh, beauteous
one. Oh, fairest of the fair! Sublime siren! Exquisite
What are you doing in a low hovel like this?
Dancer(Jay Smith): I gotta
make a living too, y'know.
Quilt: Why, your not a girl, you're a
Smith: I know that! But don't tell the manager.
Smith: We're engaged.
Quilt: I...see it all now.
can't! I haven't taken off the veils yet. Ha, haaa, ahee,
(he covers Quilt's face with a veil and runs off. Quilt
puts on his
hat over the veil)
Brown: Yes, sir?
Brown: Where are you, sir? (Even though they are next to each
look around, unable to locate the other)
behind this curtain, Brown. (Brown removes the veil from Quilt)
Good heavens, sir! What a brilliant place to hide!
Quilt: Thank you,
Brown: By the way, sir, that dancer...
Wasn't that the man you interrogated at the museum, sir?
I'm finally beginning to see the whole sinister plot.
Brown” What do
you mean, sir?
Quilt: I'll show you. Waiter!
Quilt: Bring me the manager.
Quilt: Yes. First the night watchman and then...(pulls off the
fake beard on Maxie.)
Brown: Good heavens, sir! The
curator of the museum!
Quilt: Yes! Alias Doublegainer(Doppleganger?)
Wormscrew, head of an
international ring of Mukkinese Battle-Horn
DW(Maxie): Curses! Unmasked! (Turns away) Waiter!
Brown: Be careful, sir! This might be a devilish trick! (The
arrives with a bowl of soup, from which DW(Maxie) removes a
Quilt: Gad! Minestrone!
his finger over the top of the barrel of the gun and licks his
And no salt!
Quilt: Brown! Quick, Brown! (Brown opens his jacket to
reveal two sheathed
swords. Quilt takes one) The eleventh hour, but
nevertheless in the nick
DW(Maxie): Bah! Outwitted by a
neat and audacious trick! (To facilítate
Quilt's fighting, Brown lifts
off Quilt's hat)
Brown: Come!(unitelligible) (DW and Quilt begin to
(The duel continues. Quilt pours
ketchup on DW's right arm.)
DW(Maxie): Oh, BLOOD! (Faints)
There! That's put an end to your...(untelligible). Nothing can save
you now. Not al the king's horses, not all the king's men!
the swinging doors, three men in musketeer outfits appear.)
1: Defend the King(Rent the King?)!
All 3 Musketeers: Defend the
(They cross their swords and then charge Quilt, swords pointing
Quilt: Brown, help me!
Brown: (jumping in with a drawn
Quilt: Down with the...(Unitelligible. Larky? Lurgi?)
Have at you! (A
full-blown melee' ensues.)
DW(Maxie): (still on the
floor) I'm dying! I'm dying! I don't want to die!
CUT TO: VLB woman
Brown: Yes, sir?
Quilt: Who is this
Brown: That's the producer's girlfriend, sir.
Brown: (in an overdubbed voice, to camera) You think I'm
DW(Maxie): (still on the floor) But I'm gonna die! It's in the
I'm dying! I...I...oh, what a wonderful world we live
Quilt: (taking a short break from fencing) It's all rather
really. (resumes fencing)
DW(Maxie): (STILL on the
floor, getting an eyeful of the VLB woman's legs) No,
I don't! I want
to live! Yes, I want to live!
Brown: By the way, sir. Did you turn that
Quilt: Yes. They can't win! The poor fools just can't
(A huge explosion blows Quilt and Brown out of the club.) I fear
them a lesson, Brown?
Quilt: By Jove, yes, sir!
(Brown's hat falls at Brown's feet. Quilt
retrieves it and Brown puts
it on) Thank you. (The strains of a mournful
horn is heard in the
distance. They get up.) Thank goodness I've got
you Brown. It would
take a Superman to evade those eagle eyes of yours.
Brown: Thank you,
Quilt: Come lad, we must try and find the Mukkinese
Brown: Right, sir!
Quilt: Whoever stole it won't get
away, Brown. (They walk down the
street and a gentleman is playing an
instrument so homely and serpentine, it
can't be anything other than
the Mukkinese Battle-Horn. It the source of
the aformentioned mournful
music. They look at the musician for a while.
They look at his sign,
which reads, "Ex-Mukkinese serviceman. Please
Quilt: Poor devil. Give him a couple of coins, Brown.
(They walk off) Yes,
Brown, arrest everyone...(The horn player stops
playing, looks in their
direction and begins playing again.)
End" appears on the screen mirror-image backwards. It is pulled
as a slide would be and is righted to read "The End")
ENDING: In another version, the end credits (list those not
which include Fred Nurke and Jim Pills) are overdubbed with Min &
Henry still shouting at each other.*
*A gracious tip of the
hat to John Elliott for information and correction