Hairy Seagoon Q.C.

Harry Secombe

72

Mr Nugent Dirt

Harry Secombe

8

Bluebottle

Peter Sellers

19

Churchill

Peter Sellers

1

Judge Schnorrer

Peter Sellers

18

Major Dennis Bloodnok

Peter Sellers

17

Mr Henry Crun

Peter Sellers

22

Mrs Prunella Dirt

Peter Sellers

6

Willium

Peter Sellers

4

Usher

Ray Ellington

9

Eccles

Spike Milligan

16

Miss Minnie Bannister

Spike Milligan

17

Moriarty

Spike Milligan

3

Throat

Spike Milligan

8

Windermere Ropesock Q.C.

Spike Milligan

7

GREENSLADE:

This is the BBC Home Service.

FX:

PENNY DROPPED INTO TIN MUG.

GREENSLADE:

Thank you. Tonight's broadcast comes to you from an Arab Stench-Recuperating Centre in Stoke Poges. The play is considered unsuitable for people.

SECOMBE:

Mr. Greenslade refers, of course, to the highly esteemed Goon Show.

ORCH:

'WHO WERE YOU WITH LAST NIGHT' VERY FAST. RAZZ MA TAZZ.

SECOMBE:

Ah, what a composer that [Fred] {Richnah} Wagner was. Now, tonight, the Goons - with the aid of a calibrated Turkish boot lathe and a portable volcano net - will re-enact a drama of crime. Mr. Greenslade?

GREENSLADE:

Yes, sir?

SECOMBE:

Tell the eager masses what we have in store for them.

GREENSLADE:

Rubbish.

SECOMBE:

Thank you. Yes, {yes} it's rubbish - but to make it more interesting we call it -

[FX:

RHYTHMIC RAZOR STROPPING.]

SELLERS:

'The Phantom Head Shaver of Brighton'.

ORCHESTRA:

DRAMATIC THEME. RISING CRESCENDO

MILLIGAN:

(vicar) It started in Brighton - 1898 - the year of the great Edison Bell.

SECOMBE:

Yes - [I] often {I} heard it ringing in the night.

FX:

BIG BEN PLAYED VERY FAST MIXED WITH BAGPIPES, SCREAMS, SPLASHES, CATS. CHICKENS.

{GRAMS:

OLD DANCE? MUSIC.}

{FX:

EXPLOSION. BELL TOLLS}

SECOMBE:

Midnight o'clock and a half quarter - six and seven-eighths or thereabouts! Sleeping peacefully in the Hotel Fred are the delightful young newlyweds Nugent and Mrs. Dirt.

MILLIGAN:

(vicar) Suddenly! [In their room -]{From their room we hear -}

MRS DIRT:

(Sellers: old gal) OoooooOO! HELPPPPPPPPPPP! HELPPPPPPPPPP! {Helpppppppppp!} Oh! Look at his bonce! Ohhh!

NUGENT DIRT:

(Secombe - Bogg) Prunella, are you awake, dearest heart?

MRS DIRT:

Get away from me with that dirty big bald head.

NUGENT DIRT:

Bald head?

MR & MRS DIRT:

(panic) continues under:

FX:

DOOR BURSTS OPEN.

MORIARTY:

(approach) Please, please, {please, please, please I beg, please yakkamakka, please} Madame, M'sieu {please} - all this noise {please,} - you are waking [up] all the other honeymoon couples {up} - now what is the trouble?

MRS DIRT:

It's 'im - my husband - look at 'im.

MORIARTY:

He appears to be a perfectly normal freak.

NUGENT DIRT:

If I get off this billiard table I'll strike you down.

MRS DIRT:

You shut up - baldy.

NUGENT DIRT:

What's all this baldy stuff - I'm not bald.

MORIARTY:

The madam is right - you are - bald!

ORCH:

CRASHING THEME.

GREENSLADE:

Poor Nugent Dirt - indeed he was hairless. The Phantom Head Shaver had struck. (pause) The day after, I, Wallace Greenslade, opened a little tobacco kiosk. It was that week that Nugent Dirt was taken to court by his wife.

OMNES:

Courtroom murmurs

FX:

THREE LOUD GAVEL BANGS.

USHER:

(Ellington) Silence in court - silence! The court will now stand for Judge Schnorrer - and if you'll stand for him you'll stand for anything.

SCHNORRER:

(Sellers: Schmoolick) {Alright, al}rite now- get seated, {and} let the mularky start

USHER:

M'lud - first case - Mrs. Dirt versus Mr. Dirt. (calls) Mrs. Prunella Dirt?

MRS DIRT:

Yes, mate?

USHER:

Raise yer right hand and yer left leg. Now, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

MRS DIRT:

I do.

USHER:

(sotto) Well, you ain't gonna get far. M'lud - the witness for the persecution is ready.

SCHNORRER:

{Al}rite - let the prosecuting council start off his spiel.

ROPESOCK:

(Milligan) M'lud - my client, Mrs. Prunella Dirt, claims that her husband, Nugent Dirt, did deceive her in that during their courting days, right up to their marriage night, he did in fact conceal his baldness from her without her knowledge. She discovered this sad state when, at one o'clock in the morning of the honeymoon night, she -

SCHNORRER:

(drooling) Go on - go on - go on -

ROPESOCK:

M'lud, please

SCHNORRER:

What, what, what?

ROPESOCK:

Please, please - at one o'clock in the morning, Madame Dirt arose to clean the windows.

WILLIUM:

I object.

ROPESOCK:

Who are you?

WILLIUM:

I'm the window cleaner.

ROPESOCK:

I don't wish to know that. The fact that she was cleaning the windows is unimportant.

WILLIUM:

My bread and butter.

ROPESOCK:

What about your bread and butter?

WILLIUM:

I clean the windows with it.

{ROPESOCK:

I don't wish to know ...}

USHER:

Silence in court!

SEAGOON:

M'lud, as council for the defence, I think we are straying from the facts. My client is accused of hiding a bald head. He denies this emphatically. He claims he was shaved in the night with a razor - by person or persons unknown.

CAST:

(buzz of excitement. . . gets out of hand)

SCHNORRER:

Silence in court!

SEAGOON:

Silence in court!

SCHNORRER:

Silence!

SEAGOON:

Silence!

SCHNORRER:

Silence!

SEAGOON:

Yes, silence!

SCHNORRER:

Thank you. Now, {Listen} I want {some silence here.} [to -]

USHER:

Silence in court!

SCHNORRER:

Silence!

SEAGOON:

Silenceee!

SCHNORRER:

Silenceee there!

USHER:

Silence in court!

FX:

GAVEL BANGING STARTS AND CONTINUES-

SCHNORRER:

Silenceeeeeeeee!

USHER:

Silenceeeeeee!

\OMNES:

(uproar)\

\GRAMS:

BUGLE CHARGE. MIX IN BATTLE SCENE.\ [HITLER SPEECH ET AL]

GREENSLADE:

Yes, I remember the case because during the recess I did a brisk trade in my little tobacco kiosk - one of my best clients was the defending council, Q.C. Hairy Seagoon.

SEAGOON:

(smokers cough) Yes, I smoked heavily during the trial. It was one evening as I puffed on my alabaster meershaum pipe that events took a turn in the favour of Nugent Dirt.

FX:

KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS.

SEAGOON:

Oh, a parcel!

THROAT:

Yes.

SEAGOON:

For me?

THROAT:

Yes.

{SEAGOON:

Any message?}

{THROAT:

No.}

{SEAGOON:

You positive?}

{THROAT:

Yes.}

{SEAGOON:

Well, Thank You.}

{THROAT:

Right.}

FX:

PAPER PARCEL BEING OPENED under:

SEAGOON:

{Now} I wonder what it can be? Good heavens - is it? Yes - it's hair - human hair - and a note -'Nugent Dirt is innocent - this hair is his - it was I who balded him while he slept - Signed - The Phantom Head Shaver!'

ORCH:

THREE CONCLUSIVE CHORDS.

USHER:

The case of Dirt versus Dirt - third week.

SCHNORRER:

Now, then {ah}, Nugent Dirt - the jury of three just men and twenty-nine criminals finds you guilty of hiding your bald nut from your wife until after you'd married her.

NUGENT DIRT:

It's a lie.

SCHNORRER:

Silence!

NUGENT DIRT:

Silence!

SCHNORRER:

Thank you. Therefore - I sentence you to pay a fine of three shillings or do sixty years in the nick.

NUGENT DIRT:

I'll do the sixty years - I'm not throwing three bob down the drain.

SCHNORRER:

Dirt - for refusing to throw three bob down the drain I sentence you to sixty years in the nick. Any last request?

NUGENT DIRT:

Yes.- I want to hear 'I can't believe that you're in love with me'. Thank you.

SCHNORRER:

Call Max Geldray.

INTERVAl:

MAX GELDRAY & ORCHESTRA: "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME"

(applause)

SCHNORRER:

Silence, silence in court! What a load of rough we got 'ere.

SEAGOON:

(triumphant) M'lud - stop the case! Stop the case! I have here evidence that will prove my client Nugent Dirt innocent! See - this hair is his - I submit it for analysis.

SCHNORRER:

Ohh, my life! {we've} [Have we] got to go through all this {lot) again? {Oy, yoy, yoy, yoy} Orl rite- case suspended 'till the hair is analysed, and proved to be or not to be Nugent Dirt's.

OMNES:

(murmurs)

ORCH:

HARP.

GREENSLADE:

The days of waiting for the analysis of the hair were agony for Hairy Seagoon - he smoked pipe after pipe of one of my special tobaccos.

SEAGOON:

(smokers coughs) Gad, this tobacco! (cough) I must tell Mr. Greenslade not to make it so strong.

FX:

KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS.

SEAGOON:

Oh - another parcel?

THROAT:

Yes.

SEAGOON:

Any message?

THROAT:

No.

SEAGOON:

Good night.

THROAT:

Good night.

FX:

DOOR CLOSES.

SEAGOON:

{I - I Wonder what's in this one.}[See what's in this one …]

FX:

PAPER OPENING.

SEAGOON:

{Good heavens it's} Empty! Wait, here's a note. 'Dear Seagoon - I struck again last night - this time I have not sent you the victim's hair - Signed - The Phantom Head Shaver.' Mmm ' P.S. If you want to know who the victim is - look in the mirror.' (pause) Ahhhhhhhhh - I've been balded - he's balded me - ohhhhhhhhh!

ORCH:

THREE SINISTER CHORDS. SOFT AND LOW.

GREENSLADE:

Poor Seagoon - all his lovely hair gone. The following day I opened up a larger shop as my supplies of pipe tobacco were [growing]{increasing}.

SELLERS:

In the months that followed - the Phantom struck again and again! Fifty men were balded while they slept.

MILLIGAN:

Brighton became a city of terror - the holiday trade was threatened - that year only two gentlemen came to Brighton.

\{CHURCHILL:

Come on Clem - what have we got to lose?}\

MILLIGAN:

\{Cease! And then,}\ a hurried meeting was called.

OMNES:

(fast murmurs)

SECOMBE:

(old man) Gentlemen - people aren't coming to Brighton - they're frightened. I ask you to think of an idea that will revive the holiday trade - and defeat the Phantom Head Shaver!

CRUN:

Mnk - I suggest that every one entering Brighton be handed a bald wig and that he should sleep in that self-same wig.

BANNISTER:

Rubbish - if all the men wear bald wigs, the Phantom will attack the {wimem} [women].

CRUN:

Mnk - I fear that the ladies, too, will have to wear bald wigs.

BANNISTER:

Rubbish buddy, why should I wear a bald wig - I'm already bald.

CRUN:

Well, wear a bald wig - mnk - with hair on.

BANNISTER:

[Rubbish -] you can't have a bald wig with hair on {buddy}.

CRUN:

Gnk - mnk. Why not - eh - why not?

BANNISTER:

{I'll tell you} [Well], if a bald wig had hair on - it wouldn't be bald.

CRUN:

What? What? {what, what, what}

BANNISTER:

Who ever heard of a bald-headed man with hair on, eh?

CRUN:

Well, {I've heard of ...} I [have -]

BANNISTER:

Who? {who} Eh? Go on, tell me, who? {who, who?}

CRUN:

Mnk . no {no} - I'm not going to tell you.

BANNISTER:

That's because you don't know anybody with a hairy bald head {- do you}.

CRUN:

Yes I do, Minnie.

\BANNISTER:

No you don't.\

\CRUN:

[yes] I do {Minnie}.\

BANNISTER:

Who, who? Go on, tell me who?

CRUN:

I don't see why I should {tell you}.

[CRUN & BANNISTER:

(argue. pause. argue - drivel out)]

BANNISTER:

... because you don't know an - you don't know any one with a hairy bald head.

CRUN:

(mumbles grudgingly) Mnk .I do . I do know somebody with a hairy bald head.

BANNISTER:

... {you} you don't.

CRUN:

Mnk - grnp - knp . I do.

BANNISTER:

Don't.

CRUN:

... mnk do.

BANNISTER:

...... y' don't.

CRUN:

(heart attack) Mnk Grmp Nuk Knup . I . Mnk. I dooooooooo.

BANNISTER:

You \don'ttttttttttt.\

\FX:

CLASH OF SABRES TO MIX WITH ARGUMENT.\

\CRUN & BANNISTER:

(continue normal voiced argument throughout)\

\FX:

[TWO PISTOL SHOTS. SABRES CONTINUE.] ONE PISTOL SHOT.\

\

(silence)\

\CRUN:

...Mnk, I do.\

\BANNISTER:

..... {y' } don't. [Anyhow] I'm going home - [and] I say you don't know a bald {-headed} man with hair on his head, so there. {hah}\

\FX:

DOORSLAMS.\

\CRUN:

Pah .I do. I {do know}-\

\FX:

PHONE RINGS. RECEIVER UP.\

\BANNISTER:

(distort) You don't.\

\CRUN:

I do.\

\FX:

RECEIVER SLAMMED DOWN.\

\CRUN:

I do.\

\FX:

DOOR OPENS.\

\BANNISTER:

You don't.\

\FX:

DOOR SLAMS.\

CRUN:

I do, I -

FX:

PHONE RINGS - RECEIVER GRABBED OFF HOOK.

CRUN:

I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do - I do know a man with a hairy bald head - I do I do I do I do {know a bald headed hairy man, a hairy man balded} I do - I do, [so there I do. I do I do] I do know a man with a hairy bald head ... so there ... I do .

MILLIGAN:

Thank you. Could I speak to Mr. Seagoon {please}? [Hurray!]

CRUN:

Oh - [I thought you were somebody else.]

[MILLIGAN:

I am.]

CRUN:

For you.

SEAGOON:

Hello, Seagoon here.

[FX:

PENNY IN MUG.]

[SEAGOON:

Thank you.]

MILLIGAN:

{One} [Just a] moment {please sir} -you're through {sir}.

SELLERS:

(Sanders) Hello, Seagoon?

SEAGOON:

Yes.

SELLERS:

Forensic Laboratory here.

SEAGOON:

Oh, I'm pleased to meet you - you must excuse my appearance.

SELLERS:

That hair we analysed -

SEAGOON:

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes?

SELLERS:

... please don't do that.

SEAGOON:

The hair, what about the hair?

SELLERS:

It wasn't hair - it was tobacco.

SEAGOON:

What? In that case Ellington, play while I meditate. Exit{s} left, smoking.

INTERVAL:

RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: "SKOKIAAN"

(applause)

SELLERS:

The Phantom Head Shaver of Brighton, Part Three.

SEAGOON:

By now the position was serious. All told, three hundred men had been balded by the Phantom.

GREENSLADE:

My tobacco stocks were now quite high.

MILLIGAN:

The Military authorities had ringed the town with troops {and soldiers}.

SELLERS:

The only exit was Haywards Heath - {Then on a hunch Seagoon went into action}.

SEAGOON:

(smokers cough) I'll go and seek this Phantom myself - Bluebottle?

BLUEBOTTLE:

I heard you call, my Capatain - I heard my little ragged capatain {call me} - enter Bluebottle - pauses for audience applause - {as usual} not a sausage \- strikes defiant [Alan Ladd] {bus driver outside garage-type} pose, but trousers fall down and ruin effect.\

SEAGOON:

Little brave lad - tonight we ride to Haywards Heath to track down the Phantom Head Shaver. Are you ready?

BLUEBOTTLE:

I am ready, my Capatain - let justice be done-ed. He will fall under the wrath of my Boys' Wonder mag cardboard sword. Pulls up trousers - tucks in shirt. Hehuehuehueu - my hands are cold.

SEAGOON:

The Shaver's a dangerous man - he might kill.

BLUEBOTTLE:

(gulp) {What!}. . . . he he he he he he - I just remembered - {I've got to go and shampoo my goldfish} [it's my turn to clean out the rabbit hutch] {, I won't be long.}

SEAGOON:

Come here, Bluebottle - don't tell me you're a coward?

BLUEBOTTLE:

[All right,] I won't. But you're bound to hear about it sometime.

SEAGOON:

Come, little spotted dick - to Haywards Heath!

BLUEBOTTLE:

Ride, vaquero, ride. Olé.

ORCH:

DICK BARTON GALLOP. WITH

FX:

HORSES' HOOVES.

GREENSLADE:

To Haywards Heath they rode - to the exit that was guarded by the {finest} [best] of British troops.

ECCLES:

Hi dump eper dump yump dump er - ohhhhhh - I hup. Halt, who goes dere? Anybody dere? Halt or I fire - fire or I halt - halt - {any body dere} anybody out dere in the dark, anybody? If dere's anybody {out} dere, speak up - if there's nobody - keep quiet. Halt, anybody dere, [I'll shoot, I'll shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot,] I can see you {I'll shoot, I'll shoot, I'll shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, I shoot dat, yup yup} - ohhh. de di dum deeee di dummm. Halt, {who's dat, who's dat, halt} who goes dere ?

BLOODNOK:

Eccles?

{ECCLES:

Yep}

BLOODNOK:

Will you get out of that bed and get outside on guard - aeiough. Get out {of that bed} or I'll tell about the Naafi funds.

ECCLES:

O.K. I'm goin'.

FX:

DOOR SLAMS.

ECCLES:

Ooooooo - it's dark out here - but I'm not afraid.

SEAGOON:

I say -

FX:

WHOOSH. DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.

ECCLES:

Who's dat {out dere}? [Halt,] who{'s dat, who's dat out} [goes -] dere?

BLOODNOK:

I warn you, sir, [come] one step nearer and we'll scream.

SEAGOON:

Have no fear, I'm [Q.C.] {Queen's Council} Hairy Seagoon - defending council in the Nugent Dirt case. I have on me several documents of identification: including a letter of personal trust from the Commander of the British Army; a memo of recommendation from \Mr. Anthony Eden,\ the Foreign Secretary; a special pass signed by \Mr. Clement Atlee,\ Leader of the Opposition; and last but not least, a permit to go where I please, signed by the Prime Minister \the Right Honourable Sir Winston Spencer Churchill\.

ECCLES:

Friend or foe?

SEAGOON:

Open the door!

FX:

DOOR OPENS.

BLOODNOK:

I surrender {, I surrender} - Pax - I'm unarmed - you wouldn't hit a nursing mother would you?

SEAGOON:

Major Bloodnok \- take off that